Superfluous

Reading over my entries in this blog makes me want to delete almost all of them. I feel sort of sick because they're so superficial. I'd like to just point out (though I don't know why I feel like making excuses) that I talk about beauty a lot in this blog because I feel that beauty is closely linked to identity, and that who you are affects not only your appearance but the impressions you leave upon others.
Okay, that's that. I'm going to try to not be shallow.

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately. As some of you may know, Lauren's ex-boyfriend broke up with her via text message a week after they celebrated 6 months, then later that evening was out with some other girl. That's pretty messed up, and she was obviously really upset. I think she's a little better than she was, but that doesn't mean it's easy, especially at night. Night is the enemy in this situation: I understand quite well.
The thing about Lauren that really impresses me (among her many talents) is that she has the ability to be open about it with people: she's not afraid to get teary sometimes and tell people when something about the situation bothers her. I can't do that: I am not even remotely that brave.
I can speak well in front of people, behave with poise and grace, and lie convincingly to everyone. But I can't be open, I don't trust people anymore. After two years of intense control, you would think I would be able to breathe more easily. In some ways, yes, that's true. However, I continue to control myself in ways that surprise me. I keep everyone at bay and I don't let anyone in, as we just established. I eat extremely carefully - usually not more than 1100 calories a day, maybe less. I force myself to stay awake so I won't be woken up with awful dreams, which I don't even remember. I can tell that I've forced them to stay safely tucked away, where they can't whisper in my ear about how obvious it is that I destroyed my relationship just by being too comfortable, too secure, too willing to believe it and want it, to even still desire it despite the circumstances.
You see, I am not brave or courageous. I have no earthly idea what I want, except crazy things like Disney Princess Summer Job and Tour Europe Where Am I Going To Get Money Like That??
I really can't bring someone else into this. I don't even know if I want that, and even if it's really selfish to only consider what I want, I feel like it's too dangerous otherwise. Besides, I'd only be using someone as an emotional crutch, which is bad.
I'm trying to be open: I know it's depressing. It's okay if you don't want to read anymore, just don't.
Let's end with something more positive: I'm really excited to hear the guys' new Boy Band Song (I don't know what it's called) this weekend, as well as spend some quality time with the girls and listen to 'Cloudburst' with Carter. Also, I really like "Disturbia" by Rihanna. Go ahead and judge me, I don't care, it's catchy.

Labels for this post: who, are, you?