80

For some reason that is completely unknown to me, seeing that I have 79 posts on this blog annoys me to little bitty pieces. I'm pretty sure that isn't right anyway, but the cliffhanger just kills me. There really is something unsettling about the number 9. Maybe it's just top-heavy. Aw.

For some reason, I've felt super body-conscious lately. I think it has something to do with the fact that I left all my good jeans at school and now I wear clothes from an era of my life where I tried to be something that I'm just not. Or not yet, anyway.

Hello. My name is Jenni Schweitzer, and I do not have a vested interest in polo shirts, florals, surfer dudes, or Lilly Pulitzer. I just don't know why people pay so much money for something so unoriginal. Hollister, anyone?
I would so much rather wear costume jewelry and candy pink lipstick with menswear. Really. That or something extremely feminine. I like wearing the two looks and not caring about whether or not it's balanced.

That sounds like a Longwood Look article. Does anyone have any thoughts for other articles? Things they want fixed? Please leave a comment here, on Facebook, or on the actual blog. We heart feedback.

Labels for this post: frame, uneven, contradiction

No-shavember

I know that it's December. I like December very much. But I want to talk a little bit about November, too.
November is a weird month for me. I think it's because I notice that instead of the trees gradually fading, they're becoming the stripped, skeletal supermodels of the winter foliage line. Yes, I can relate most things to clothes. Don't be impressed, because it's actually kinda lame.

Anyway, the most popular thing I heard people discussing in November was not actually Thanksgiving, but a popular movement called "No-shave November", or No-shavember. The idea behind No-shave November is that men will not shave their faces for the entire month, enduring the sympathetic ribbing of their peers due to their mountain mannerisms. All they need are some flannel shirts, which are in style just in time for No-shave November. Hmmm.

Of course this movement is funny, and personally, I like it. I like that we're starting to open up to how humans really look - men have facial hair. It can be a great look.
But.
I want to know how many women participated in No-shave November. I want to hear the comments their friends made to them. Maybe something like, "Gross" or "disgusting" or ironically, "manly". Why must we be so embedded in our cultural expectations as women that we can't allow our bodies to be in their most natural, 'imperfect' states? Or if we do, why does it then become acceptable to call us gross, disgusting, maybe even throw out a derogatory term for homosexual females?

I didn't participate in No-shave November. Maybe I will next year, and maybe you'll think it's gross, but I think this double standard is what is truly disgusting.

Labels for this post: progressive, girls, double-standards

Repetitive

So, I like dresses. And shoes. And makeup. I'm sure you've picked up on this about me, and for goodness sake I hope so.

What you may not (well, probably don't) know is what I'm currently getting into, which is jewelry.
My mother loves jewelry. It's her thing, and for some possibly subconscious reason, I've never had a vested interest in it. But I'm really starting to appreciate certain kinds of it.
My mom's style in general is classic. She really loves work clothes, silver, and she's the only woman I know whose primary stone in her engagement ring isn't a diamond. It's a beautiful oval-cut sapphire winged with two tiny diamonds. It's super beautiful, and I'm ridiculously proud that she didn't bow to the Tiffany montage of huge rocks and huger prices.

Anyway, I've really gotten into Betsey Johnson's jewelry lately. It's adorable. Fortunately (for me) there is a fantastic place called Nordstrom Rack, where they sell some of her adorable jewelry for much, much less than her boutique prices. I found a super-cute (redundant) necklace there this morning. I'm wearing it on Monday, so you'll see it then, if I remember to point it out. As if I'll forget.

I also (and contrarily) like vintage jewelry. Around Christmas every year, I ask for one nice thing. I usually only want one or two 'nice' presents. This year, I'm asking for a pair of vintage cameo earrings. I'm fairly certain you can find them on eBay, at estate sales, or antique stores. They're so graceful and timeless. I really love cameo jewelry.

I find that I'm drawn to certain things because I enjoy the history. I love thrift stores because they're crazy kaleidoscopes of life in many stages. I love my piano because it was my great aunt's. I love the Bakery in Farmville because I can't read most (or really all) of the labels on their products. And I love poetry, because it takes discovery.

I do not love that I'm hungry and my dad wants to meditate before we go eat.
I'm not really sure what great mystery there is to ponder.


Labels for this post: brief, shiny, Mom

Conformity

You know, sometimes you see people you know pretty well, and you realize something about them at that moment. It's interesting. I have a friend who I used to think had really great style, and when I saw them recently, I realized that everything about what they're wearing is the utter sameness of most other people our age. It's not inherently bad, but I'm still disappointed. Mostly in myself, because the lack of individuality about this person is so expected that it's more exciting when it rains outside. At least then I get all worked up. I think maybe I'm part cat.

My Mom is coming to town to see our choir concert tomorrow, and I wish I had more time to spend with her so I could take her shopping. She loves shopping in Farmville; she's a total sucker for downtown touristy ambiance. It's something I love about her, and I'm glad she accepts it and lovingly drags me into Ye Olde Overpricede Crafte 'R Us.

I would highly recommend taking Children's Literature. It's such an awesome class, and you can read some of the books in an hour. Plus, they're really cute, and you get to over-analyze them like a mofo. I would also really recommend hot chai tea from Starbucks, and perusing the "Women of the Year" article in this month's Glamour. I read them and got a little teary at the bookstore and into my chai tea. It's a beautiful story.

Don't embrace the ideologies that are fed to you. Wear tuxedos like Marlene Dietrich and speak out when someone calls a girl a bitch for speaking her mind. Actually, be that bitch, and don't apologize for it.

Labels for this post: time, for, class

Scroll

I think it's interesting that the windows on this Mac will respond to the scroll button on the mouse only if it's used in the down direction. For some reason, it won't go back up. I'm pretty sure there are many people who could identify with this scroll button.

I also like the way "scroll button" sounds. It's a crunchy and satisfying elocution.

I realize I haven't written for a few weeks; I'm sorry. I've been really well, I'm very happy, keeping busy, and of course trying to go shopping. I think I might be getting sick, but I'm not sure if it's a little thing and what I really have is psychosomatic in nature. Mostly I'm dizzy and I can't sing that clearly, and I cough a little bit. I probably just need some soup and daytime television.

I'm considering writing a brief essay to Real Simple magazine about how a major step in my growth as a woman was finding a good guy. They like questions like, "When did you realize you were a grown-up?" and "What's the greatest love story in your opinion?"

I actually responded to the love story one. Taylor Swift.

I think I'm going to apply to be a Glambassador in the spring, because I pretty much want to be Megan Flynn. The title is acceptably cutesy, too.

I'm going to avoid doing anything productive for 20 minutes and look at vintage cameo jewelry online. Yeah, that sounds nice.

Labels for this post: nice, witty, update

Details

I would just like to say that I Very Much Like Macs, and I plan to get one when I achieve financial independence. So, basically, in ten years or so.

Hello everyone.

Today I was walking down Brock Commons to practice with my accompanist, and I saw a girl I sat next to in one of my classes in the spring. I was maybe fifty feet behind her, but she was walking quickly and carrying lots of stuff, so I didn't bother her. I remembered her name, her year, that she was manic depressive, used to cut herself and sucked at math. I couldn't remember her boyfriend's name, but I remember that he was working on a project for abnormal psychology about the emergence and cause of paranoid schizophrenia, to help diagnose his mother.

I think maybe something is wrong with me. Why should I remember such gruesome details? Is it shock, or do people just inherently want evil things to happen to other people and instinctively focus on the negative?

I'm a nice person. I swear.

How cute is this bracelet?? It's Betsey Johnson. Of course.

Labels for this post: Mac, gruesome, Betsey

Titles

I like titles. In fact, I've thought of several good titles for my book.

If I ever write a book.

And therein lies the problem: I can think of witty phrases that can suffice for titles, but where is the content when you wipe away the wit? I know for sure that if/when I write a book, it'll be a collection of essays and not a continuous story. Unless it's a children's story, and then I'm not really sure what's going to happen. Maybe I would have a better idea if I could draw with my eyes open.

Regardless, I very much want to write a book someday. Even if I'm too young to have worldly experience or cultural competence. Even if I really have no idea how I define love. Even if I can't tell you the barest definition of quantum mechanics.

Possible titles:

You Eat Underwear (and other funny things that have happened to Jenni Schweitzer)

and

The Diary of a Got Away Girl

[all of these are mine, so don't even think about taking them]

I'll let you know.

Labels for this post: brief, titles, uncertainty

Steady

Everything has felt pretty steady to me for several weeks, and I like it. The leaves are steadily changing, the weather is steadily getting colder, I'm steadily improving in my writing and my weirdly stylish clothes. Now if I can just figure out how to be warm and wear dresses, I can deal with the cold. But not the rain. Not ever the rain.

By the way, I saw "Where the Wild Things Are". It's definitely good, and I would recommend seeing it, but it didn't change my life or make me cry. That's something I kind-of pride myself on as a woman: the tendency not to be upset by some stereotypical romantic comedy's (usually neither funny nor romantic) contrived heartwrenching moment. I'll put up with watching them, but I feel bad for not having the correct response.

But I cried like twice watching "Up".

Labels for this post: passage, warmth, Up

Writing Mode

I'm in writing mode right now. Prepare to be annoyed.

Every time there's a new Glamour, I almost immediately buy it. Except for the one with Taylor Swift on it. I don't dislike her, I just don't think I wanted that issue. It had lots of pants in it.

The newest issue has Scarlett Johannsen on the cover, and of course she looks gorgeous, but furthermore, this is the November issue, where they list all sorts of beautiful and amazing clothes. Even more so than usual. This issue is particularly amazing because it's centered on curvy, beautiful women. It's so empowering. To my delight, I discovered one of the best passages I've ever read. Ever.

[From Glamour] 'Sounds nuts, but when you hit a certain age, should you...settle? 89% said NO.

"Marrying someone you aren't crazy about just to secure the financial and domestic conveniences of wedlock is as stale and trite as day-old Doritos. Settling represents a failure of both imagination and confidence. It marks an essential disregard for others and for ourselves: for the capacity to love, to give, to inspire. It's difficult enough to make a marriage last. If we cannot so much as drum up enthusiasm in the beginning - if we lack even the memory of a full-blooded passion to sustain us through times of trial - then we are frail indeed. By settling, we exploit others, and we impoverish ourselves." -Cristina Nehring

That is girl power.

Labels for this post: satisfied, refusal, independence

Duple-faced

I am tired of two-faced people. Really. I think there's a special place in Hell for people who try to start nasty rumors for absolutely no purpose. Fortunately, I managed to stop one from escaping just yet, but I don't think it's going to because it's utterly absurd. I feel like starting a nasty one in return, but that might be considered a truth rather than a rumor. Also, I hear that karma isn't interested in that sort of thing, and I'd like to make a good impression.

Let's move on.

I'm trying to write an essay about love. It's insanely hard. I've never had so much trouble penning something I so desperately want to figure out and understand. I'm trying to put love in my own words: what I think it means, what it contains, and what it doesn't. I'm not making that much headway, but I suspect there are countless books written about this and the authors STILL don't know what's up. I can write about shoes, dresses, makeup, no problem. No glistening. Romance is a little tricky, but I think I've got it down. And I can write about sex, though I choose not to. It's love that's really tricky, and it makes me want to send apologies to anyone to whom I've claimed I loved. I'm not really sure what that entails for me, but I'm not really stressing it. I just want to write it without writing a huge amount and making readers sift for the point. I hate that as a reader.

Mark your calendars for "Where the Wild Things Are". Please. You'll thank me later.

Labels for this post: rumors, blocks, declarations

Bic Pens

Every time I see the word "Pens" I automatically think it says "penis". I know I know I know.

In case anyone who has actually spoken to me before (or who can't read) doesn't know, I write a lot. I pretty much constantly write little phrases and quotations said by other people. I take notes and write in my spiky, fluid script that the Ewe tribe of Africa is one of the few tribes to record the Agbekor war dance. You know.
So anyway, I write a lot. And I have to say, even as a musician, I love pens. Especially Bic pens with black ink and opaque bodies. I call them "writing pens". Yes, I know it's redundant, but things like this happen all the time.
Example: I have a lot of shoes. Over twenty pairs at least (just at school), and yet I distinguish between them by describing the actions completed within them. "Running shoes" comes to mind.
So does "sex kitten". Like I said.

I've made a new policy not to trust any woman holding a poodle. I'm not really sure why, but poodles just scream "pretentious bourgeoisie". Actually, how about "bitcheoisie"?
I think I like that.

Jenni Schweitzer likes this. She also likes nice guys and they certainly don't finish last.

Labels for this post: redundant, scatterbrained, affection

Welcome to Longwood Middle

Hello everyone,

Grow up.  

It's fun, I promise.

Labels for this post: you, heard, me

Costumes

As you probably could have guessed without any of my help, I love costumes. But I'm going to tell you anyway. I love costumes. I used to wear them all the time when I was little, to everything except church. My parents never let me, but I don't think God would mind if I showed up in my little fairy wings.

I have many suspicions about how God really is, one of them being that Jesus would be a good husband. I don't really like marriage on principle, but I think maybe marrying Jesus would be acceptable. He would always know what was bothering you, how to help, what you needed, etc.
But I bet his inhuman perfection would be annoying after awhile.

Personally, my spouse criteria (hmmm potential essay title) would probably be something like
-Mow the lawn
-Open this jar
-Hold this

And refilling the ice tray. I can't explain why, but I fucking hate it.

Okay, time to go to church.

Labels for this post: fairy wings, wedding rings, holding things

The Longwood Look

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.surveymonkey.com%2Fs.aspx%3Fsm%3DMjMLkWmPRGV2bBHGiAyaVA_3d_3d&h=2f2cbb3bda5b95077155dd5bbe044480

Please take this survey! It's for very important research that will save millions of baby seals.

By making them into shoes!
Tricked you.

Just kidding.
But seriously, check it out, you guys. You guys.

Labels for this post: check, it, out!

Beer Pressure

Two brief stories about my brother, Will. Fortunately, they're completely true. Unfortunately, I don't write well enough to describe them to their fullest potential. That's why I'm taking half a "victory lap" next year to learn how to write better.
(Intentional)

Every time I try to convince Will to taste beer or wine, he always refuses, so of course I just bully him more. Anyway, the last time I did, he looked me right in the face and he said, "Beer pressure."
He's right, of course.

The other day, I called my brother to wish him a happy birthday.
"Happy Birthday, Will!"
"Oh."
"Will, what do you say when someone says 'Happy Birthday'?"
"To you?"

Will just turned 18.
I am 200 years old.


Labels for this post: silly, growing up, old

Appreciation

I appreciate intelligence. I know that's almost like saying "I love my Mom" in Obvious World, but I feel as though I take it for granted that I'm surrounded by intelligent people. Now, don't get all cocky. It's not that great all the time.

I'm really happy today. I'm generally a bubbly, mildly obnoxious person under normal circumstances (with a side of sarcasm) but today I really feel happy down to my little toes. I think my mood must be contagious, because I'm in the library and there's a contented hum of chatter. It reminds me of the first evenings of early summer when the frogs start talking smack about (presumably) the other bitchy sorority frogs.

I very much enjoy Children's Literature. It was a little strange yesterday, though, because I was waiting in line behind a few people to claim a book to present to class.
Observe:
Girl 1: "I'd like to do Meet Felicity." (I bet you $5 she's elementary ed)
Girl 2: "Could I have Nancy Drew?" (Maybe Liberal studies)
Me: "I want Coraline."

So I read it, and I wasn't scared until the end. Then I was kinda freaked out and slept with my light on even though I have to pay my own electric bills. Oy.
Now I'm listing similarities and differences between Coraline and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

Yes.

Labels for this post: dark, abstract, contentment

Wikipedia

Ugh

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Ugh is an onomatopoeic representation of an aspirated sigh or gasp, used as an interjection to express disgust, horror, repugnance, annoyance, boredom, or tiredness.

Other forms include urgh, ungh and ergh.

I love Wikipedia.

Judgment

I'm pretty sure I judge people too immediately, and I'd like to stop, but I'm not sure if I'm capable.  Example: I'm taking Ethics, and almost my immediate opinion of my professor was that he looked like the kind of guy involved with another woman even though he's married.  I'm not really sure why, it was just sort of a vague suspicion that formed in my mind.

I did change my opinion of him when he started to talk.  He's brilliant, and very funny.  I'm really going to like that class, even though I'll get all scrambled in my brain.  Plus, a few people I know are in there, which is incredibly helpful for me.  More community = less stress.  Or maybe I talk too much.  

Nah.

I love my apartment.  I don't have a bed yet, but I'm not really that picky about sleeping stuff.  At camp we frequently sleep on the ground, and I mean that literally.  So really, a mattress pad, plush carpet, and a big fluffy blanket is cozy.  It's like a midden or something.

That's kind of gross, but I suspect I might be kind of a gross person sometimes.  Example: when I'm laying on my floor I'm opposite my closet, which is open at all times, and the way it looks, well...I think I know how gynecologists feel.  It looks dark and scary in there.

Spooky.

I just had a thought (and I quote) "Let's find the bad kisser gene and eliminate it from the DNA of our species".  I'm sure my bio friends could phrase this more accurately, but yeah, I think maybe I'm fucked up today.  Just a little bit.  

I really hope we (Allyson and I, and maybe J I guess he's lame but sorta nice I guess =P) get to go to Richmond this weekend so I can return that freaking American Apparel dress.  I want my impulsive $30 back.  So I can buy more stuff, of course.

Okay, this seems like it'll take forever to read and longer to understand, so I'm outtie 5000.

Labels for this post: gross, morbid, impulse buys

Promises

I think I must be really bored today, because my thinking is very clear, which means there isn't enough stuff in my brain yet. I'm not too worried - I'm going to need that extra storage when school starts up next week.

Wait, next week?
Jeez...

Anyway, I was thinking about promises lately. Ever since I lilted into romantic interest, I've always been very skeptical about them. Several of my ex-boyfriends, or people I had dated (to be accurate) have asked me at one point or other to promise ridiculously romantic and therefore impossible things.
"Promise you'll never hurt me." Classic.
Of course that's not true. That doesn't mean you're a bad girlfriend, it means you're being realistic. Once you get comfortable with someone, it's much easier to overlook their positive qualities and focus on the negative ones, which promotes nitpicking, which gets under your skin and ultimately hurts.

Solution: "Try not to be an ass, please. I'm specifically asking you not to."
See, this way you encourage an open bond with whomever because you don't have such a strict restriction over your head, and ultimately, you have to be honest. You don't have to be harsh or overly hurtful to make your point. There's a difference.
One of my ex-boyfriends wouldn't believe that. But then again, he believes in the Loch Ness Monster over Jesus Christ. Hmmm.

You know, the only time I was ever completely truthful about everything I was feeling and in my life, I was called a mind whore. Not to my face, of course.
What a waste of time. It still makes me angry, but then again, I can eat the same whole wheat grudge sandwich every day without getting tired of it.

I know, it's really good. Really good.

Labels for this post: premature, immature, Nessie

Practical vs Impractical

As much as I love Cindy Chupack, I was kind-of mad when she wrote that she sometimes feels as though adopting a child is a white flag of surrender. I disagree. Raising a child at all is not an act of surrender. You don't need a boyfriend or husband to have a child, and that's an amazing testament to women's empowerment. I fully plan on adopting a little Asian girl with or without a husband, mainly because I like to rebel against societal norms, or promote better ones.

Okay, I am done being a feminist. For now.

I don't really have much to add after that tirade, which is probably a really bad sign. I was going to write about how certain things are practical (a $60 Marc Jacobs bag) whereas other things are impractical (a $60 Vera Bradley bag).
But when I was thinking about adopting a daughter, I realized that no matter how much I profess to love handbags, shoes, dresses, and makeup, any and all of those things will forever be impractical, but I don't mind.

Maybe not shoes.
Yeah, let's go with that.

Labels for this post: feminist, sorry, everyone

Omnia vincit no mour

So, I'm in writing mode right now, and I'm updating all written sources of information in my life. It's like, 3am.

What?

Anyway, I want to write a letter to Jake, that guy who writes that Jake column for Glamour. I read Glamour pretty religiously, and most especially his writing - not only is he a great writer, but I feel this undercurrent of being torn up.

Jake,

As a religiously Glamour-ous girl, I adore your column. I think you're funny, charming, and probably pretty cute. I'm sure you get this all the time, so maybe I should talk about something with substance. Because, you know, you're a ghost.
If I could meet you, I would probably regale you with mostly obnoxious questions, like "Is a guy going to dismiss me if I admit to liking trashy daytime television?" or "Instead of asking where things are, I just make the motion (think scissors) and wander around. Is that weird?" You don't have to answer these questions - I'll figure them out with time.
There are questions that I believe everyone asks of themselves at one point or other in their lifetimes, one of which is "What is going on?" and the other "Why not me?" In this case, I think perhaps we both fall under the "Why not me?" file.
Now I'm going to do that stereotypical anecdote about a past love that really changed me - my views of myself and my perceptions of the world. It was everything I thought I had ever wanted in a future, but more than I had thought. I absolutely loved him, my unofficial fiance, my Super Mario Bro. I believed that he was the Forever Kind, and he encouraged me.
As these stories often go, things fell apart, and after two years of promises, ring shopping, video games, late-night phone calls, spaghetti, and arguments, he ended it. It crushed me, probably more than I could tell you in words. The clarity of the heartbreak, and the heartbreaking clarity opened my eyes when I read your article about heartbreak. I cried. A lot.
If you were any other male columnist, I would unleash a flood of angry questions upon you about my ex's behavior. (By the way, I just want to say that he left me for a younger woman - and I'm 21 years old.) But I have a feeling that you're not like the people I've met from the way you write. You notice and appreciate subtlety, which is rare. I think maybe the word I want is 'genteel' but it just sounds too creepy. I also feel (no offense) that when you write those humorous quips about other people and analyze their relationships, something is off. The only way I know to compare it is by using a perspective analogy; it's like you're describing something far away but looking at the things which are close by.
Now that I've thoroughly offended you, I want to apologize. I want to tell you that everything will work out, that love conquers all, that it will get easier. But I just don't believe it's that simple. Omnia vincit no mour. The most important tools for me are time, reflection, and fabulous shoes.
Be brave.

Jenni Schweitzer

P.S. Don't worry - you're still funny.

Labels for this post: I'm, too, tired

Phrases and Ideas

I feel like I always get my best ideas (and therefore my best phrases) when I am somewhere without access to a computer or writing materials. They almost always pass quickly, too, so that I can't really remember what it was. I might remember the subject, but it will be something vague, like "Relationships".
Way to narrow it down, right?

Sometimes I can't decide if I'd rather write about fashion or relationships. In my opinion, they're not really that different. The key to both is maintaining confidence and asserting your identity, then finding something or someone who can handle it (or who can try).
I think I must be the stubbornest person alive. Even though I've been crushed by other people's ignorance or cruelty, I have never lost sight of who I am and what it means to me to have that. I think the proper metaphor here is "weed".
I'm also fantastically disorganized, except with my closet. I have the best priorities. I am aware of this.
In case you were curious as to whether or not my Facebook status is serious, yes, I'm keeping a jar of change for a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes.


Who needs boys when there are shoes like this?

Labels for this post: inopportune, priority, shoegasm

S'moresgasbord

If I ever decide to get married, I think that maybe instead of having any variation on cake, I'm going to have a make-your-own s'mores bar. Wouldn't that be infinitely more fun than a large, sticky mass of frosting?
I think so.
Also, I don't really like frosting at all, except on cupcakes - then it's acceptable.

Next week, I'm headed to Boston and NYC with Ashley for some amazingly good times. I really can't tell you how excited I am about this, because it would involve a lot of !!!!!!!! and you just can't get the full effect of anything I say without my facial expressions. They are pretty baller.
Anyway, if anyone knows any really cool and somewhat underground (figuratively) places to go in Boston, please let me know! I would love to check out something off the beaten path, and preferably not something horribly expensive. We're definitely taking the Freedom Trail and the Women's Heritage Trail, and probably checking out the local music scenes, cheap eats, and major city Goodwills. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is paramount to awesome.

All I want in New York City is to mack on some Magnolia cupcakes, preferably with Andy Samberg, but I seriously doubt he'll show up. Perhaps his invitation got lost in the mail, or he misplaced my phone number, or his grandmother died?! There are any number of explanations for this strange lack of contact...and we had such a good time, I felt a love connection...
I am 1000000% joking, by the dubs, and I'm glad of it.
Oh yeah, I also want to go to the H&M on Fifth Avenue. Duh.

Speaking of clothes, I love them. I've purchased four new dresses this summer, and I've discovered that Tulle is a great brand of clothing. It's expensive, but my favorite store was having a major sale on it, so I got several good quality pieces for good prices. I know I'll wear them a lot.
Speaking of spending money on clothes: only do it if the piece you're considering has a timelessness to it. If you'll look like you're trying to look young in five years, it's wayyyyy not worth it.

Put down that $110 Apple Bottom jumpsuit. Please.

Labels for this post: chaotic, cupcakes, cloth

Let's kill a lion and eat the meat!

I was at camp this past week to volunteer. It was awesome - see above.
I learned some new expressions, like "DUH NUH!". It's another way of announcing a situation as the d2 drama. Very exciting.
I really like little kids, especially ones that trail ten feet behind everyone else while singing "Beat It" and are unable to tie their shoes by themselves. Sign me up.

I picked out a few paint options for my room at Sunchase next year, and I'm excited about them. I was going to paint it a deeply saturated violet, but I decided that it wouldn't be in my best interest. It's hard to paint back dark colors. I think I'm going to go with a light, shimmery violet. It sounds weird, but it's pretty and subtle - like me, of course ;)
NOT.
I might be pretty, but I'm also pretty far from subtle. I'm a frustrating sort of person, because I'm terribly impatient but I really like being cryptic. I figure if you're my friend, you'll put up with me because you actually want to, and because I just made you feel obligated.

I've decided that I very much like two fashion things:
- Rompers and
- Doll-like makeup
In case you don't know what a romper is, go shave your face with a food processor. Kidding.
But seriously, do it. (A romper has a similar construction as a pair of overalls, only with shorts instead of pants, like this one http://www.modcloth.com/store/ModCloth/Womens/Bottoms/Shorts/Lovely+Lumberjack+Romper )
I'm getting a romper from Forever 21 for half that price in a mini-floral, and I love it.

Doll makeup is just freaking fun. Outrageous eyelashes, bright flushed cheeks, and bright bow-shaped lips? Yes, please! It's so cute, and not many people attempt it. It's kind of a lot of makeup to apply, but I don't care.
It's really quite amazing how much time you discover when you're not in a relationship, and for me, that's a good thing. I tend to give up too much of myself or nothing at all. Cool, huh?
This is already a pretty long post, so I'm impressed that you've read this far.

No one wants to be defeated.

Labels for this post: scatterbrained, shimmer, romp

Fotografier

He patiently awaits the music.


I took the above rose photo, then took it again from a different angle and played Andy Warhol.














I can't go anywhere without this thing.














I'm still learning. I just don't like posting these things on Facebook, and this is much more private.

Labels for this post: picture, frames, distortion

Basmati remediation

I'm going to try to post this in less than the amount of time it takes my father to cook 1 cup of basmati long-grain rice.
It takes longer than you (and he) think. As in, 15 minutes longer.

You know that rule about how you can't date people that your friends like? I've decided that even though it's kind of a pain, it's totally legitimate. I mean, you and your friends are friends for a reason, right? You have similar interests and a lot in common; naturally, your taste in ideal men/women would be similar. Oh, well. I'm only bringing it up because I met like, the cutest guy at Starbucks, and I know who he is because one of my friends reaaaaaaaally likes him.

Speaking of meeting people, I think that I would seriously like to go on the Metro on a Friday night from about 11pm - 2am with a video camera, and just talk to people. Drunk Metro is insane in the membrane. It's funny, and rude, and people outright stare at you. One guy insulted me for probably five minutes (in real time) to try to get my attention, and then he said, "But seriously, I would love to take you out sometime this week." Haha.

Of course I said no. Don't look at me like that.

Anyway, that's my latest brainwave. I actually want to do this, too. It's going to be really funny.

Labels for this post: hurry, dinner's, ready

Empathy

The following is a true story, except for whatever I made up to make it more interesting.

About mid-semester (read: early March) I wandered around campus at about 9:30PM, pausing to wait for the FAB to take me home. It was windy and I was freezing, wondering whether or not an excessively cute boy was worth wearing a corduroy skirt and opaque tights mid-thirties degrees. As I pondered, a little black Mazda sauntered up near the curb where I was standing, a petite, pretty face sticking out of the open window.
"Hey," she called, "do you want a ride to Lancer Park?" I said yes and hopped in. I can't remember this girl's name, even now. I think it might be Erica, and I sort of want it to be even if it's not. I introduced myself, then clearly forgot her answering introduction.

"So, how was your day?" I ask. She surprised me by laughing once - bitterly.
"Well, it kind of sucked, actually." She said, unconsciously biting her bottom lip. I asked why.
"Oh, well," she stammered, clearly flustered, "I was stood up for a date today, actually." She glanced over at me, a quick appraisal of my immediate reaction, and then I saw it. I could practically read the keystrokes of insecurity on her face - her chagrin at telling a perfect stranger, her anxious comparison of the two of us, the 'I bet that never happens to her' that we all possess about each other. In that moment, I had never been so grateful for empathy.
"Me, too," I said gently. She looked thoroughly startled, her eyebrows almost disappearing into the graceful sweep of her brunette bangs.
"No way!" she nearly shouted, and I could hear the relief and gratitude wash through her voice. She was grateful. I was, too.
"Boys are so stupid," she continued, invigorated, "SO stupid."
"I know, right? I mean, look at us!" I encouraged, glad after all that I had worn tights.
"Totally," she gushed, pulling up to my house, "hey, we should hang out sometime."
I laughed and agreed, waving at her all the way to my door.

OK, to be fair, I know why my date canceled on me - he had a huge assignment due the next day, and he was in a lab until midnight to finish it. It was completely legit.
I never did hang out with her - I just never saw her after that - and it's okay. I have so many "Let's hang out!" friends that I've completely lost track of who they are, and I figure the only way to correct it is to simply hang out with all of them.
It's working pretty well so far.

Labels for this post: boys are SO stupid

Reliance

We rely MUCH too heavily on Facebook. Or at least, I do, if I need to find anything out at all, which is completely absurd. I almost spelled "absurd" with an 'o' instead of an "a". Lame.
Actually, it's just wine-induced. Wine reduction?
Nobody ever leaves comments on drunk posts, and why should they? It's frightening enough to be taken for a road trip, or on one of those rollercoasters that don't even deserve that title because they're not scary enough, but since people have lost legs being idiots on them they earn it.
You know, like the ones where they play "Zip a Dee Doo Dah" which I don't even really need to know how to spell. How awesome is that?
I really hope I get to audition to be a Disney Princess. I'm pretty much desperately in love with this idea. Thank goodness - I don't want to be desperately in love with anyone quite yet.
You know what I'm excited about, romantically? Feeling lonely. Isn't that bizarre? I know it is, surely and rationally as I know that the sky only appears blue because air particles reflect blue light and therefore "midnight blue" on a crayon is a scientifically legitimate color, but I don't care. It really does make sense, if you're me and you just like to toe that line between bitter sophisticate and idealist. Yeah, hush yo mouf.
I feel like being lonely would be good in this way because it would mean that I was emotionally open and missing that person. Sure, I do talk up people I like, I just don't want a surrious relationship, y'know?

Like, y'know.

Labels for this post: completely wholesome as always and forever amen

Attempts

I would just like to say that I very much like Muse, and I wish they would come out with a new album already.

Yesterday I had coffee with one of my friends from high school, who is also a super mega hottie and it's left me with a weird case of nervousness. I'm not really sure why, but I can never behave in date-like atmospheres. I tend to stick out my tongue a lot when I smile or laugh, or all my witty remarks flit around in my brain and I can't really think of anything funny.
Example: yesterday I was chatting with coffee guy, and he told me that he recently hung out with a bunch of really stylish, urban people from our high school, and he lives on a farm. In my non-freaked out part of my brain, I thought, "One of these things is not like the other", and under ordinary circumstances, I would have said that.

Uuuugghgghghghghghghgh

Who is the editor-in-chief of the Rotunda? Does anyone know?
If so, please let me know.

Labels for this post: nerves, Muse, journalism

Preening

Is it absolutely shameless to say that I admire myself sometimes?
If so, I'd like you to promptly go to hell. Just kidding - I don't really mean that at all.
I'm just sort of reveling in the quietude of my summer. I love my room and my bed, but mostly my stash of favorite books that I read and reread whenever I'm home.
I could never have a TV in my room - I think it seriously disrupts the idea of peace and rest that your room should bring you. Mine is my sanctuary. So is my diary. If you wanted a real look inside my head, you'd have to find it. I don't recommend it. You might die.
Again, I kid.
Generally speaking, I like to find certain things to admire in other people. Qualities I myself lack, or some similarity. Positive things. I find that people on the whole are far too negative, especially in regard to themselves. If we all practiced a little more self-love, maybe we'd make actual progress.
Something I admire in myself is that I'm brave enough to be alone. I don't feel the compulsion to be with someone, because my happiness does not hinge on it. It will not make or break my future or really any of my decisions. Of course, that will change with time, once I find someone who is worth it. But they don't have to hurry back - I'll catch up to them.

Labels for this post: Zen, sanctuary, free

I'm just not an introvert

I've been taking an online class since school was out, and I am failing it miserably. Why? Because I have no idea what's going on. I had no idea I had about seven assignments missing until I received a list yesterday about them - and even then, I'm pretty sure I've turned in at least three of those "missing" assignments.
I'm not angry, just resigned. Without the buffer of twenty other people, general education seems kind-of pointless. Actually, it seems a lot pointless.
Anyway.
I'm attempting to find a job, and it just gets gradually sillier. There's a wonderful coffee shop in our downtown area who will need someone in July, approximately right before I leave to go to Boston. I can't do that to a business, especially a small local business in this economy. I adore small businesses.
I really want to move. As in, to Italy or Germany. I can get to both of those places from either of those places. If I love Europe in theory, it will just be that much better when I actually go there. I'm totally going. I don't know when, but I am definitely boarding a Lufthansa. I hope there will be cake.

I think I'm a bitch. Secretly. The kind of bitch that you don't really expect because I'm a nice person. I'd like to reassure you that I really am a genuinely nice person and that this is just a by-product of a blow to my self-esteem, but I don't think that's true.
The other night, I went to a party. There was a guy there who was very much not my type: blonde, blue-eyed, and a musclehead. He tried to scam on me but I tactfully discouraged him. Later in the evening he came up to me and said, "I'm in love with you," and looked at me very seriously. I laughed, then said, "Yeah, right." And I left. Did I ever mention I think opportunists are disgusting?

Labels for this post: Gen Eds, opportunity, cost

Unfair

If you've ever said something bad about me, you're probably right. I really do need to be more respectful and keep my word. Don't defend me. I didn't.
I'm sorry if what I think isn't what you'd like to hear. I'm sorry for inspiring any sort of hatred or ill will. I don't hate anybody or anything.

From now on, I'm going to do my best to just not say anything. Nothing nice, and nothing mean. Just nothing. Which is what I said I would do and should have done. Now, it's really over.
Goodbye, youth.

There is a bucket of rocks in my basement, and I'm not entirely sure why.
I really hate online classes. They weigh upon my soul.
I was just in New York for some family stuff, and I had an ice cream soda (very tasty).
I wish I had a job in retail, though I understand why I'm not an ideal candidate for hire.
I wish oatmeal was an alternate fuel, like in the Quaker Oats commercials where the people are flying around on Quaker Oat jetpacks.
And I wish I could go on a date with Andy Samberg. Holler!
Just letting you know what's up. I promise to be more poetic next time and describe that ever-receding intersection of chemistry, humor, intelligence, and tall. My own personal Jim Halpert.

Labels for this post: resolution, whatcha upta?, ice cream soda

Fashion goals

I really think I want to turn this into a sort of "practice field" for any sort of fashion journalism...that includes comments posted by my friends who are also fabulous.
It would be so cool to have a site like modcloth.com. SO cool.
I can't wait until they have another contest...this week they had a "Just for Kicks" contest where you had to name several pairs of shoes, and if you win, you win those shoes!
Unfortunately, I only got in on it today, which is the last day, and the shoes were these tall black and basket-woven twine straps. They were cute, but they didn't have the whimsy of many other modcloth items. That's okay - sometimes it's okay to be normal.
My suggestions, because I know you really care, were:
1) Let's e-rope!
2) Entwined by symmetry
3) Running 'drilles
4) Castanet wedge

Yeah, they are lame. I know. I have a really good one in mind, but only when they show something that I think will fit it perfectly.
I hope you don't think I'm superficial because I post a lot about fashion - I just happen to love it and how it can be tailored to express a multitude of perspectives.
This Summer I am Going To:
-Go to Yellowstone to complete English 400
-Find something vintage for a decent price
-Make my own "Alice in Wonderland" themed graphic tees
-Stay healthy
-Spend more time with my friends
-Read
-Play outside
-Visit the Ridge at least once (but probably a lot more)
-Be happy

You should, too.
Goodnight, future fashionistas.

Labels for this post: writing fashion, Alice, summertide

Don't

Do not tell me not to wear certain things, especially if you would like the opposite to happen.

1. Women – No overly revealing attire. No bare feet. Dress slacks (not colored jeans or khakis) and blouse, skirt (at least kneelength)
and blouse, or dress (at least knee-length); blouses/tops should cover your shoulders and have a conservative
neckline; dress shoes (no sandals, chunky shoes, or open toes) and tights, hose, or dress socks.

Taken from the syllabus of one of my professors.
My own particular brand of warfare is always subterfuge. I have my jury tomorrow, and I'm wearing a blouse, pencil skirt, hose, and heels.
You can bet that every single one of those will break the rules, but only in a subtle way.
Example: I am indeed wearing hose. Fishnets.

Suck it, dress code.

Labels for this post: rebellion, jury, bad ideas

Shark Attack

I promise there wasn't an actual shark attack; that would be much more alarming than a blog post. But there you are.
I'm wearing a t-shirt with a cartoon shark that says, "AAHHH!" at the bottom. It's easily the funniest item of clothing I have, and I totally wore it because I had my final fiction critique today.
Some people loved it, and a few hated it. My professor didn't really like it, because it wasn't fictional - it was "creative nonfiction" (oxymoron) so I'm not very pleased with it.
Some people were pretty harsh with it, even though it cleverly written, simply because it's specific to our generation (age o' technology) and our addiction to Facebook.
Also, it is funny. Funny is not allowed.
Then why do I want to write anything at all? I'm not an English major - I'm going to be a music teacher, and I resent that people gave me terrible critiques because I'm not trying to get published. Sue me.

I had some other large philosophical idea that I wanted to impress upon others, but I'm not sure if I feel like that anymore, after complaining excessively about my injured pride. Hmm.
Let's be more positive. I am going to the opera workshop concert tonight with a cute, funny boy who likes to read and play Super Smash Bros.
Yessssssss.

Labels for this post: defensive, random, AAHHH!

If you read this, you asked for it

I'm pulling an all-nighter tonight, unless I fall asleep at my piano (possibly). I'm also getting incredibly frustrated by the aforementioned piano, because I could definitely play this piece (at least the left hand) a month ago, and now I can barely play a page without stopping, messing up, or various other imperfections.
So, I'm going to fill out a silly, trivial survey. Shoot me.

DON'T CHICKEN OUT GIRLS!

Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
No, it's a very random code that has absolutely no significance to my daily life and work.

What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
A good sense of humor, genuine chivalry, a defined style

Are you a girly girl?
Physically, yes, I love dresses and shoes and I hate bugs. Emotionally, rarely.

Big or small purses?
Depends on the situation

Do you enjoy drama?
Uhhhh no. Not even remotely.

Did you dress up on Halloween?
Always! I was Alice in Wonderland (but not in a creepy schoolgirl fantasy-esque way)

Do you call anybody by their last name?
Lumia...for some people, it's full name basis

How many guys will read this just because it says "FEMALE SURVEY"?
Whooooooooo cares

Can you put on mascara without opening your mouth?
If I want to have war paint or look like Twiggy

Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Yes, generally when it comes to shopping or sex

Eyeliner or mascara?
I use both - I have short eyelashes

American Eagle or Hollister?
Even though neither of them are my style anymore, definitely AE

Heels or Flats?
Flats!!!! Too many of them!

Skirts or jeans?
Jean skirts...what now you mother bitchessss

Straight or curly hair?
Crazy hair! I love my hair!

Hoops or dangling earrining?
Dangles please

Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Dark haired, generally speaking, but there are always exceptions to these things

Do you have a best friend?
A few! I'm very lucky :)

Do you like your life?
Considering that there are people who barely live past the age of three and die of starvation and malnutrition and undergo civil wars where they're forced to kill their parents, I love absolutely everything about my overprivileged existence.

Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?
Probably, I don't really remember

Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
Yeah! it's fun!

Ever slapped a guy in the face?
Not seriously...I did once punch someone, and I almost broke my thumb

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Yes

Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Indeed

Do you ever wish you were famous?
No, all the side effects of fame really turn me off

Preppy or Punk/goth?
I call my style "chic irreverence"
Yeah, it's pretty pretentious

Contacts or Glasses?
Neither...20/20 suckers

Good cook or take you out a lot?
Cook! Let's make dinner - I love cooking, and I am reasonably talented at it too!

Funny or Serious?
Funny, easily. You can tone down funny, but you can't really lift up Serious.

Long or short hair?
For me? Longer hair...for guys, whatever looks better, though I dig "just a little too long" short hair

Smoker or non-smoker?
NON - voice major

Tall or short?
Tall, please, I'm 5'7, babycakes

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
If I like them too, why not? If not, I very politely decline any sort of invitation and distance myself for a while. It's pretty hurtful at the time, but I think it's better in the long run.

RANDOMS:

If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
No, I seriously doubt it

When was the last time you were in a photobooth ?
I think I was 10, at Hershey Park or something...

Who was the last person you had a sleepover with?
Lindsey Fitz!

Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided seeing them?
Hahahahahah...yeah.

On average what do you think you cry about the most?
This should be pretty obvious if you know me at all

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?
Yes, one, and it's a tenuous friendship at best

Who was the last guy you talked to?
Spoke to or hollered at? You have to make the distinction. Also, none of your bidness.

Do you think best friends can be replaced?
Replaced, no, but they can sort of fade into the background more, especially if you go to different schools and they never call you or you never call them.

Does the last person you held hands with mean a lot?
Yes - some of my sisters, who are wonderful =)

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
I hope so. That's what I profess to do as an educator and musician.

Anything bothering you right now?
I have 4 things to prepare for tomorrow, and I'm sick, but I can't sleep because I don't have any time. Otherwise, it's pretty good, I'm kind of hungry, so I'mma make some ziti.

Goodnight, I love you.

Labels for this post: stories, selfish, pry

Analogies

As a musician, I frequently employ analogies to explain things, and I've noticed that most of my professors use them too. For instance, dissonance is crunchy, like leaves. Dr. Hebert says things are "sizzly" like "crispy fried chicken" and then (usually) "Ooooh, lunch."
=D

Metaphors are also good. Sometimes they occur to me, and I don't write them down, because they're usually the product of bitterness, and I'm not fixin' to have that. Sometimes they're the result of buoyant cheer, sometimes profound sadness. Either way, I read them and I feel so thankful that I was taught well enough to create this:
"Every fiber of my being is wretched with apology."
"In fashion, give hints - not answers."
"When I see you, I know who I am again. I hear your voice and I have found gravity."
"Gil carefully washes his paintbrushes, flooding the sink with colorful dreams."
"She refused to look at the lush furniture, the vibrant paintings converging at the corners of her vision."
Fiction writing is the best of ideas.
Now, go bed.

Labels for this post: analogies, metaphors, quotations

Sometimes

Sometimes when I quickly scan text, I see words that aren't what they appear to be at first. It's pretty interesting - I was just reading through a message and I was convinced that the word "Vagina" was somewhere in the title. It was not.
I'm pretty sure that's how they make movies so enthralling. They'll create a scene, but leave part of the image out, so that your mind has to create it in sequence. You're not supposed to notice it, like the dirty things they put in Disney movies for people who have time to freeze-frame their VCRs and see mermaid penises.
So, how was your day?

This week has already been incredibly stressful, and it's not even remotely close to over. It's times like these when I really just want to sleep - not die or leave or quit my major or anything - I just want a few more hours to sleep, one less obligation.
This is going to sound really strange, and unlike me, but it's days like today that I really miss Maurice. If he were at school, and we were together, today I could have come home to his apartment, watched some Family Guy, made some spaghetti, and he would have listened to me vent about my day (even though it wasn't that stressful). Instead, I called him, which I very rarely do, and he was very kind and listened to me complain for ten minutes.
He's such a good person, and I'm really, really lucky that he isn't like me in some ways.

Let's move on so I don't dwell too much, or too publicly.
I'd like to just list things I like, and if that's irritating, suck it up.
I Very Much Like:
-yogurt pretzels
-classic bubblegum
-A certain very cute guy
-walks
-animals
-Lindsey Fitz
-Ryan McGuire
-proper grammar
-writing in general
-MUSIC (durrrrrr)
-my wifey :)
-cooking
-ballet
-BOOKS
-cynicism
-feminism
-lithography
-Allyson, Jackie, Alexis, and J's apartment!!
-FASHION
-clothes omg!
-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Jesus (actually, I love Him)
-violet
-roses
-faith, hope, and love

Labels for this post: Freudian, morose, favorites

Sexual stereotypes

Sometimes, when Dabney and I are bored in Studio (frequently) we play this game. It's pretty mean, but it's funny. We peg everyone who gets up to sing as some sort of sexual stereotype.
Be warned, if you attend voice studio.

Moving right along...my brother is wonderful. Absolutely and without question. Earlier I was talking to my Mom on the phone, and I overheard him say, "Jesus Christ dyed Easter eggs for our sins."
=D
Needless to say, it's now my Facebook status. I much prefer something like that to a physical state of being; I don't care if you know that I am in the library (I am never in the library) or how I'm feeling and FML! and all of that. I'd much rather tell you that Jesus dyed Easter eggs for our sins.
Okay?
Okay.
I love granola - you should too!

Labels for this post: nonsense, Easter, Bunkster Yoy (Will)

Fold

I'm in the process of sorting and folding my laundry...I shouldn't be awake, but I am.
It's been a pretty serious trend this semester, this wakefulness at inappropriate times and sleepiness in Psychology (and other various classes) which is equally inappropriate.

I'm really displeased with my second story in Writing Fiction. The concept was great - seriously, I'm really proud of that aspect of it - but I could barely write it. For some reason, I couldn't make the current flow very well. I didn't develop anything to the point where it would be believable, and then I got really tired, so I just killed my main character. Lame.
I'm working on my revision, and I'm trying something new (for me): working backwards. I started from the end and I'm working my way to the beginning. It helps me streamline my brain and the direction of the overall piece. Hopefully, this will work out well.
Let's see...other insights into my own perspective that you didn't know about previously but you suspected all along, except you weren't brave enough to ask me, kind of like how you're not brave enough to wear skinny jeans with beat up sneakers or a sundress with roller skates. Exactly like that.
I would love to go into fashion, especially fashion journalism (if that's a real field and not just a product of my wishful thinking) because I think I'd be pretty good at it. I love to dress people, so if you ever want me to come over and pick out something, just let me know!
I totally will, but you do have to trust me to some degree, providing that I don't tell you to wear one of those M&M costumes on a first date.
=D

Labels for this post: awake, Symphonie Fantastique, roller skates

Buoyancy

Truly I tell you, there really is something to the whole unattainable thing. It's very attractive. I'm not saying it's good, but...I guess I like trouble.
Don't worry, I'm not talking about anyone who is currently in a relationship.
I just got some really freaking awesome new clothes - I am SO excited about them!!
I'm sure I'll wear all of them at one time in the same place and everyone will laugh because I'll be hyper excited...but I don't care, because they are quite stylish. I think I've decided my favorite looks are ultra feminine with an edge. Classic silhouettes with something 'wrong'.
Speaking of silhouettes, I've heard before that because I have an hourglass frame, I shouldn't wear pencil skirts...but you know what? They really work on me, so I do it anyway!
Screw rules, especially when it comes to fashion.
I think it's sexier when you give hints but not answers when it comes to clothing.

Labels for this post: rebel, excited, light

So, what do you want?

I have no idea. And I know that I can't treat people well with that in mind. That's why.
I could talk about this for days, but that would be pretty unfair to Brian, since he probably doesn't even know about this blog, unless he Facebook stalks like a fiend (and in that case, I wouldn't have dated him).
Anyway.
I feel like a terrible person, and I have felt like a terrible person for a week or so. I knew it, I always knew it, instantly, and yet I still moved forward. Just a heads up, if you don't think you're ready for something, don't do it. Chances are that you won't be ready for it and you'll eventually hurt someone very, very badly. It's perfectly tempting to just say yes, but that won't fix your problems or your reputation or whatever is plaguing you. It's like trying to hide a bump by slathering on makeup. It might appear flawless from a cursory glance, but when you get close enough to see, it's pasted and fake. So, don't do it.
What am I going to wear tomorrow?
Maybe I'll play my game. This game is called CLOTHES OMG.
Step 1: load a bunch of random clean clothes into a bin
Step 2: pour bin onto your bed (or something else large, flat, and comfortable)
Step 3: close your eyes and fall onto your clothes
Step 4: wear whatever your hands are touching

See? You pretty much always win. I like games, and I refer to most things as games, like when people are talking smack about other people. I say, "Oh, I know this game!"
Today was so dramatic, and I'm going to take a shower to slough it off.

Labels for this post: hot water, deep water, saline water

Villainous pears

I have some pears, and I am very excited about them! I always put my fruit in a basket on my kitchen counter, because I love the way it looks, and really, why not?
My roommates like to move it around, but I still put it back =P I'm such a rebel!

Let's see....deep introspection....

I'm having trouble meeting and resolving the concept of "God" in my short story. In most dystopian stories, God is replaced by something, but there's so much sacred music that I don't think I could get away with ignoring it. When you create another world, you can't leave many loose ends.
Compulsion to comply against will to refuse. Think about how many relationships you have with people in general where that's true.

I'm building my poetry wall. Send me your favorite poems, because I'm always up for adventure!
I'm seriously considering traveling after undergrad...right now it's looking like the UK!!
I will let you know what happens, I'm sure, as cryptically as necessary.
Cripple Ripple.

Labels for this post: team, God, fruit

Look at me

Some people make me breathless. That's all I'm going to say about the title.

I love poetry. I don't know how many of you know that, but I absolutely adore it. I think I'd like to try to write it, but I'm not sure I'd be good at it. I may be a decent writer, but that doesn't mean that I can write poetry. It takes a specific voice, and I doubt I have it.
Speaking of writing, I spoke to my creative writing professor about my next story (yeah dystopia!) and he told me that I should revise my first story and submit it to the children's literature professors, who could send it to professional editors and a publishing company! AHHHHHHH!!!!
I'm pretty excited about this, I'm not going to lie =D
I really do love to write. I don't love it as much as I love music, where I can be completely overwhelmed and broken by the musical tasks and soothe myself with the very same thing.
I'm going to see Coraline tonight - I very much hope that I don't get too scared because, well, that's just the kind of person I am.
I don't want to be mundane anymore today. There's too much.
Go read "somewhere i have never travelled" by ee cummings. Please.
http://www-scf.usc.edu/~thier/ee/#somewhere
=D

Labels for this post: longing, praise, veiled

Tray sledding

This weekend was absolutely crazy, and I feel exhausted, even though I really didn't do much, physically.
CCVMEA went very well - most of the chapters who actually care (cough VCU VT cough) were there, and Longwood was represented very well! I wish the sessions had been more interactive, but otherwise, it was very informative and we all had SWAG. Then, Patrick and I got lost for a good two hours in Northern VA. It was great, because then it started snowing around Harrisonburg. Yikes! But we had some good talks, and I'm glad we're better acquainted now.
I went tray sledding last night - it was probably the most fun I've had in a very long time, even if I'm pretty sore from falling probably ten times and my shoes are soaked with icy water. It hurts my sides when I sneeze!
As you probably know, I'm officially dating Brian. We went tray sledding together, watched Fantasia (the original, far superior to 2000) had a drawing contest, basically just hung out for over 24 hours, and I'm not ready to scream!
Hopeful, yes?
I'm kidding, I really am.
Additionally, and more importantly, he likes me for who I am, and unlike Maurice and just about every other guy I've dated, I wouldn't have to change anything about myself to be with him. That's what convinced me that this is a good thing to pursue, aside from feeling good and appreciated and fascinated. Toooooo many coordinating conjunctions!!
Now, to conducting, and dinner with some of the girls =D
Have a lovely snow day - take pictures while it lasts!

Labels for this post: SNOW DAY

A Lenten melody

So, it's Lent. I feel as though many people understand the custom of Lent, but they don't understand the motivation. Funny how that's true about more joyful things, like Christmas and Easter and oh yeah, weddings.
I've been trying very hard to think of what to give up for Lent this year. I can't remember what I gave up last year, but I think it was caffeine. The year before, it was meat. I was going to give up chocolate this year, but you know what? I've decided to go a different way this time.
I'm giving up holding grudges. I feel so much heavier when I'm plagued with lingering resentment. We are simply different people, and there's no legitimate way to compare us.
My mom just told me that it's looking like I won't be able to audition for Disney World over spring break. And I really doubt I'll have another chance before summer, when I need to have a job, and then Disney World is not likely, not at all. Ugh. I know that it's stupid to be upset about it, but I really had my heart set on it, and I don't expect to get it on the first try. I think I have a shot, I think I have potential, and I just have a feeling that I'll get fairly far into the trials. If I get cut right away, at least I tried.
I do intend to pursue what I want, or what I think I want. I firmly believe in questioning everything and achieving happiness. I believe it's essential.
I suspect that I'm not a good person. Thank goodness for Lent: I hope it will help me to improve.

Labels for this post: Lent, lifted, pursuit

Need Game

Heather posted this game on her Facebook notes, and this is my response.
Go to Google, type your name and the word 'needs' in quotation marks, i.e. "Bob needs".
Choose the best 10 responses.

1. In order to attract the woman of her dreams, Jenni needs to learn to be more alluring.
2. jenni needs her meds.........
3. Jenni needs an Convertible (shortage in San Diego).
4. Jenni needs a stiff schlong to quench her nubile teen desires.
5. Jenni needs to turn 63 or more or gain 1572 Slayer points.
6. Jenni needs to dress, groom, bathe, toilet, eat.
7. Horny honeypot Jenni needs a man to fuck her tight.
8. Jenni needs ______. I want to _____ jenni. jenni can ____ my ____. If I could describe jenni in a word: ______. jenni will never ______.
9. Jenni-needs-help-with-computer-problems (this is true)

10. Jenni needs to shuit her mouth and cook the man some fuckin eggs before she catches a beating from Ozzie.

Please play this game - I promise, it's really fun!!
I had a great weekend, and came to some pretty fantastic realizations.
I hope that everyone discovers some truth, maybe it will take a while, and a lot of pain and frustration, but then it makes sense. While it's still not easy, it's comforting and it bolsters my resolve.
There is nothing, nothing, nothing that I want from you anymore.
I also really like it when other people are on the same wavelength that I am. It's crazy how wonderful it is when that happens, it makes me feel much more comfortable in my own head.
Oh dear. What am I going to give up for Lent?
Hmmm...let me ponder this.

Labels for this post: pondering, game, truth

Because it IS my party, after all

Also because I <3 Allyson.

40 secrets about you.
be honest no matter what.

1. Who were your last four texts from?
Lauren, Derek, Michael, Nick Bailey

2. Where was your default picture taken?
Facebook - party. This blog, DC

3. What’s your middle name?
Elaine. My name is pretty Arthurian, and if you understand why without using wikipedia, I'll give you a cookie.

4. Your current relationship status?
Seasonal

5. Does your crush like you back?
I'm not playing!!!

6. What is your current mood?
Reluctant, I don't want to do anything.

8. What color shirt are you wearing?
I'm wearing a dress, duh. It's gray and yellow.

9. Are you feeling romantic or frisky?
Hahah, frisky. What a ridiculous euphemism.

10. If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Durrrrrrr

11. Where was the last place out of town, that you went to?
That sounds like two different questions. And it's much funnier that way. I went to Lynchburg with the BC <3

12. Ever had a near death experience?
Once

13. Something you do a lot?
Silliness! It's essential.

14. Do you have a fondness for gnomes?
I like gardens.

15. Who can/do you tell anything to?
"To whom can you tell anything"
Also, nobody. Not anymore.

16. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Nasim!! My Persian twin!!!!

17. When was the last time you cried?
This morning, it was because Carter and I talked about this ridiculous situation involving one of our friends who is getting married and how they're going to set a destination wedding in a third-world country, but they'll just elope, so everyone will show up anyway to the wedding and then there won't be one after all! We chose Somalia. In summary, I cried because I laughed really hard, which is the best.

18. Where are you right now?
Ohohohoho

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Either flight or teleportation - something that would help me get to places on time (I'm always late)

20. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Usually height, and smiles. I always remember eye color, for some reason.

21. Who is your favorite celebrity train wreck?
I don't admire celebrities unless they're talented, and I really hate Paris Hilton.

22. What is a Saying that you believe?
There's a poem by Shel Silverstein called "Listen to the Musn'ts"
"Listen to the Musn'ts, child
Listen to the Don'ts
Listen to the Shouldn'ts
The Impossibles, the Won'ts
Listen to the Never-Haves
Listen close to me:
Anything can happen, child
Anything can be."

23. Favorite color(s)?
Violet and yellow

24. What is one thing that annoys you on tv?
Reality television, except for Project Runway and Top Chef

25. Do you still like kiddy movies?
I am going to be a Disney Princess, after all.

26. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Water

27. Do you speak any other language?
I took German, and I could probably get by in Germany, but I'm nowhere near fluent

28. What’s your favorite smell?
After it rains

29. Describe your life in one word?
Unpredictable

30. Have any tattoos?
No. Pending, maybe...I'm not sure.

31. What are you looking forward to the most?
The most out of what? Right now? Knowing people better, appreciating everyone more. SPRING.

32. What are you thinking about right now?
How tonight is going to be wonderful!!!! =)

33. What should you be doing?
Reading and critiquing stories. Seriously, some people are just writarded.
(That was intentional)
34. Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Maurice. It bothers me when people say they'll do things and they don't, or vice versa, then have the balls to consider themselves good people, or even to act noble and self-sacrificing. It's sickening in any case.

35. What are you listening to?
NOTHING. My computer is broken :(

36. Do you like working in the yard?
Only if I can play with flowers!

37. What color are your nails?
Invisible...spooky!

38. Do you act differently around the person you like?
Nope! I might wear nicer clothes or put on lip gloss or something, but it's more important to be who you are, and make sure that person likes you for that reason.

39. What is your natural hair color?
Whoooooooo cares

40. Why did you cry the last time you did?
Again, durrrrrrr

Kittens...inspired by...kittens...

Labels for this post: kittens, identity, crazy

"It's fucking raining!"

There's this weather website that Nick Bailey introduced to me, http://www.thefuckingweather.com. It's hilarious. Actual forecasts, but there's a large, obnoxious caption that changes depending on the temperature. My favorite so far is "It's fucking nice!"
Anyway.
I managed to finish my story. It was okay, I'm sure I could have done much better if I wasn't doing other things, like school. I haven't been feeling that well this week, and rainy days always make me feel worse. I actually walked to school this morning in the sleet so I wouldn't be that late for 8am piano accompaniment, and then I had to sing, and it sounded terrible. Well, I got credit for going and I didn't even have to play!
That class just eats away at my soul, and sometimes convinces me that I don't really want to do music at all and aaaaaaahhhhhhh what the hell I will be a terrible teacher mentality. It's not good, but it doesn't happen often. Of course, I have those awesome moments when I realize that I can do this, and that I want to do this. Pretty sweet.
Internet is failing massively, campus-wide. Yeesh, this is going to be loads o' fun.
How am I to survive ONE NIGHT WITHOUT FACEBOOK?!
I bet I could write a short story about that. It would be really good!
I need to do my form chart.
Also, I need a hair dryer, maybe a decent straightener, also. I haven't straightened my hair in a long time, it probably needs it. I just prefer my hair in its wannabe curly, randomly disorganized state - it's much more of an insight into how I really am.
I can't wait for dress weather. Then everyone will get puppies and I can play with them!!!
I love my mom. I know you really needed to know that, but I just do. Sometimes I forget it, and a lot of times I take it for granted, but she's absolutely wonderful.
Time for being productive...midnight. Blargh.

Labels for this post: weather, to-do, connections

Superfluous

Reading over my entries in this blog makes me want to delete almost all of them. I feel sort of sick because they're so superficial. I'd like to just point out (though I don't know why I feel like making excuses) that I talk about beauty a lot in this blog because I feel that beauty is closely linked to identity, and that who you are affects not only your appearance but the impressions you leave upon others.
Okay, that's that. I'm going to try to not be shallow.

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately. As some of you may know, Lauren's ex-boyfriend broke up with her via text message a week after they celebrated 6 months, then later that evening was out with some other girl. That's pretty messed up, and she was obviously really upset. I think she's a little better than she was, but that doesn't mean it's easy, especially at night. Night is the enemy in this situation: I understand quite well.
The thing about Lauren that really impresses me (among her many talents) is that she has the ability to be open about it with people: she's not afraid to get teary sometimes and tell people when something about the situation bothers her. I can't do that: I am not even remotely that brave.
I can speak well in front of people, behave with poise and grace, and lie convincingly to everyone. But I can't be open, I don't trust people anymore. After two years of intense control, you would think I would be able to breathe more easily. In some ways, yes, that's true. However, I continue to control myself in ways that surprise me. I keep everyone at bay and I don't let anyone in, as we just established. I eat extremely carefully - usually not more than 1100 calories a day, maybe less. I force myself to stay awake so I won't be woken up with awful dreams, which I don't even remember. I can tell that I've forced them to stay safely tucked away, where they can't whisper in my ear about how obvious it is that I destroyed my relationship just by being too comfortable, too secure, too willing to believe it and want it, to even still desire it despite the circumstances.
You see, I am not brave or courageous. I have no earthly idea what I want, except crazy things like Disney Princess Summer Job and Tour Europe Where Am I Going To Get Money Like That??
I really can't bring someone else into this. I don't even know if I want that, and even if it's really selfish to only consider what I want, I feel like it's too dangerous otherwise. Besides, I'd only be using someone as an emotional crutch, which is bad.
I'm trying to be open: I know it's depressing. It's okay if you don't want to read anymore, just don't.
Let's end with something more positive: I'm really excited to hear the guys' new Boy Band Song (I don't know what it's called) this weekend, as well as spend some quality time with the girls and listen to 'Cloudburst' with Carter. Also, I really like "Disturbia" by Rihanna. Go ahead and judge me, I don't care, it's catchy.

Labels for this post: who, are, you?

Adjectives

I like adjectives very much. If I could, I would date them. Well, maybe not. Imagine dating adjectives: they're actually just people who speak in adjectives...at times they would be wonderful, and other times they would be pigs.
Gee, that sounds a lot different.
I'm gradually becoming more and more cynical.
I'd really like that to not be my applied adjective. I don't know why I think about these things: in truth, my adjective would probably be vain. I'm very vain, but I try not to show it. I'd like it to be "dynamic", even if it is slightly melodramatic. Maybe more than slightly.
Well, I can aspire to be that way.
I really don't want to go to SAI tonight. I wish I could have a weekend without obligations so I could just lay in my bed and read, then watch a good movie. Don't get me wrong, I like parties, I just need a break from all the craziness.
I think I might have a boyfriend. I really don't know. I haven't made up my mind about this yet, but I'm sure you'll know when I know, if you're special.
I am full of terrible ideas. But now, SAI.

Labels for this post: reluctant, vain, cynicism

Hot pink Post-It notes

It's almost Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day, because it's so commercial, but it's also very contrived, or so I feel. I love flowers, which is the only tolerable part of Valentine's day.
I doubt I'll get flowers this year, but my parents just got some for me for my birthday, so I'm not stressing it. Also, I'm going out of town that day anyway.
You know, this 'holiday' is pretty much awful. A mass movement of loneliness, to be sure.
I don't really feel lonely. I wouldn't call it loneliness, it's not like I could just accept a date and feel better because I have companionship. I'm not really afraid of being alone, I like myself. I don't want to be alone forever, of course not, but I'm not ready for not alone, if that makes sense.
I think I set up expectations of myself that are too high, like, that Maurice's new profile picture should not upset me as much as it does. However, I did thoroughly enjoy someone's comment about it.
I know you're looking at it right now to see what he said. HA!
Anyway, it's time fo bed. Fo bed.

Labels for this post: fo bed, brief, angiosperms

"You are the most beautious"

I would like to believe that that was true - that I really could reach my full potential of beauty, especially inner beauty. Right now, I feel as thought the best route would be to stop talking badly about people, because I do it far too often, especially in regard to someone. This weekend, I hurt her feelings, and she called me an ugly bitch. You know what? I don't even disagree - it was an ugly, bitchy action.
For the record, I'm not the only person talking smack, in fact, I've been pretty mild, comparatively. But that doesn't change anything. I don't care about her opinions, beliefs, or struggles, and I have no desire to get to know her as a person. I could say the same thing about a lot of different people.
That's enough about that. Stop me if I start saying something, unless I'm merely reporting a situation.

It's a tough line to walk, the desire to surrender to numbness instead of pain or resentment versus the desire to feel and understand. I'm trying very hard to not be a machine, but I think that's a pretty good analogy for my appearance to the outside world. I'm helpful, intelligent, and elegant. I know this sounds cocky, and it probably is, but I tell myself these things if I feel nervous about anything.
I guess I'm softer around the edges than that, but sometimes I don't feel that way. Sometimes I like to think I'm intimidating, but I'm not sure if that's really true. I think it depends on the situation. You can share your opinion, of course, even if you're like, "Jenni, you're a Disney Princess. Not scary." I won't be offended, I promise =P
I don't know how religious you are, but if so, would you please keep my friend Bree in your prayers? She was diagnosed with leukemia a few months ago and she really needs to find a marrow match to get better - she is struggling. She's 18, by the way, and absolutely wonderful. So, if you would keep that in mind, I appreciate it very, very much - thank you.
Time for bed.

Labels for this post: sleek, torn, prayer