A Lenten melody

So, it's Lent. I feel as though many people understand the custom of Lent, but they don't understand the motivation. Funny how that's true about more joyful things, like Christmas and Easter and oh yeah, weddings.
I've been trying very hard to think of what to give up for Lent this year. I can't remember what I gave up last year, but I think it was caffeine. The year before, it was meat. I was going to give up chocolate this year, but you know what? I've decided to go a different way this time.
I'm giving up holding grudges. I feel so much heavier when I'm plagued with lingering resentment. We are simply different people, and there's no legitimate way to compare us.
My mom just told me that it's looking like I won't be able to audition for Disney World over spring break. And I really doubt I'll have another chance before summer, when I need to have a job, and then Disney World is not likely, not at all. Ugh. I know that it's stupid to be upset about it, but I really had my heart set on it, and I don't expect to get it on the first try. I think I have a shot, I think I have potential, and I just have a feeling that I'll get fairly far into the trials. If I get cut right away, at least I tried.
I do intend to pursue what I want, or what I think I want. I firmly believe in questioning everything and achieving happiness. I believe it's essential.
I suspect that I'm not a good person. Thank goodness for Lent: I hope it will help me to improve.

Labels for this post: Lent, lifted, pursuit

Need Game

Heather posted this game on her Facebook notes, and this is my response.
Go to Google, type your name and the word 'needs' in quotation marks, i.e. "Bob needs".
Choose the best 10 responses.

1. In order to attract the woman of her dreams, Jenni needs to learn to be more alluring.
2. jenni needs her meds.........
3. Jenni needs an Convertible (shortage in San Diego).
4. Jenni needs a stiff schlong to quench her nubile teen desires.
5. Jenni needs to turn 63 or more or gain 1572 Slayer points.
6. Jenni needs to dress, groom, bathe, toilet, eat.
7. Horny honeypot Jenni needs a man to fuck her tight.
8. Jenni needs ______. I want to _____ jenni. jenni can ____ my ____. If I could describe jenni in a word: ______. jenni will never ______.
9. Jenni-needs-help-with-computer-problems (this is true)

10. Jenni needs to shuit her mouth and cook the man some fuckin eggs before she catches a beating from Ozzie.

Please play this game - I promise, it's really fun!!
I had a great weekend, and came to some pretty fantastic realizations.
I hope that everyone discovers some truth, maybe it will take a while, and a lot of pain and frustration, but then it makes sense. While it's still not easy, it's comforting and it bolsters my resolve.
There is nothing, nothing, nothing that I want from you anymore.
I also really like it when other people are on the same wavelength that I am. It's crazy how wonderful it is when that happens, it makes me feel much more comfortable in my own head.
Oh dear. What am I going to give up for Lent?
Hmmm...let me ponder this.

Labels for this post: pondering, game, truth

Because it IS my party, after all

Also because I <3 Allyson.

40 secrets about you.
be honest no matter what.

1. Who were your last four texts from?
Lauren, Derek, Michael, Nick Bailey

2. Where was your default picture taken?
Facebook - party. This blog, DC

3. What’s your middle name?
Elaine. My name is pretty Arthurian, and if you understand why without using wikipedia, I'll give you a cookie.

4. Your current relationship status?
Seasonal

5. Does your crush like you back?
I'm not playing!!!

6. What is your current mood?
Reluctant, I don't want to do anything.

8. What color shirt are you wearing?
I'm wearing a dress, duh. It's gray and yellow.

9. Are you feeling romantic or frisky?
Hahah, frisky. What a ridiculous euphemism.

10. If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Durrrrrrr

11. Where was the last place out of town, that you went to?
That sounds like two different questions. And it's much funnier that way. I went to Lynchburg with the BC <3

12. Ever had a near death experience?
Once

13. Something you do a lot?
Silliness! It's essential.

14. Do you have a fondness for gnomes?
I like gardens.

15. Who can/do you tell anything to?
"To whom can you tell anything"
Also, nobody. Not anymore.

16. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Nasim!! My Persian twin!!!!

17. When was the last time you cried?
This morning, it was because Carter and I talked about this ridiculous situation involving one of our friends who is getting married and how they're going to set a destination wedding in a third-world country, but they'll just elope, so everyone will show up anyway to the wedding and then there won't be one after all! We chose Somalia. In summary, I cried because I laughed really hard, which is the best.

18. Where are you right now?
Ohohohoho

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Either flight or teleportation - something that would help me get to places on time (I'm always late)

20. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Usually height, and smiles. I always remember eye color, for some reason.

21. Who is your favorite celebrity train wreck?
I don't admire celebrities unless they're talented, and I really hate Paris Hilton.

22. What is a Saying that you believe?
There's a poem by Shel Silverstein called "Listen to the Musn'ts"
"Listen to the Musn'ts, child
Listen to the Don'ts
Listen to the Shouldn'ts
The Impossibles, the Won'ts
Listen to the Never-Haves
Listen close to me:
Anything can happen, child
Anything can be."

23. Favorite color(s)?
Violet and yellow

24. What is one thing that annoys you on tv?
Reality television, except for Project Runway and Top Chef

25. Do you still like kiddy movies?
I am going to be a Disney Princess, after all.

26. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Water

27. Do you speak any other language?
I took German, and I could probably get by in Germany, but I'm nowhere near fluent

28. What’s your favorite smell?
After it rains

29. Describe your life in one word?
Unpredictable

30. Have any tattoos?
No. Pending, maybe...I'm not sure.

31. What are you looking forward to the most?
The most out of what? Right now? Knowing people better, appreciating everyone more. SPRING.

32. What are you thinking about right now?
How tonight is going to be wonderful!!!! =)

33. What should you be doing?
Reading and critiquing stories. Seriously, some people are just writarded.
(That was intentional)
34. Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Maurice. It bothers me when people say they'll do things and they don't, or vice versa, then have the balls to consider themselves good people, or even to act noble and self-sacrificing. It's sickening in any case.

35. What are you listening to?
NOTHING. My computer is broken :(

36. Do you like working in the yard?
Only if I can play with flowers!

37. What color are your nails?
Invisible...spooky!

38. Do you act differently around the person you like?
Nope! I might wear nicer clothes or put on lip gloss or something, but it's more important to be who you are, and make sure that person likes you for that reason.

39. What is your natural hair color?
Whoooooooo cares

40. Why did you cry the last time you did?
Again, durrrrrrr

Kittens...inspired by...kittens...

Labels for this post: kittens, identity, crazy

"It's fucking raining!"

There's this weather website that Nick Bailey introduced to me, http://www.thefuckingweather.com. It's hilarious. Actual forecasts, but there's a large, obnoxious caption that changes depending on the temperature. My favorite so far is "It's fucking nice!"
Anyway.
I managed to finish my story. It was okay, I'm sure I could have done much better if I wasn't doing other things, like school. I haven't been feeling that well this week, and rainy days always make me feel worse. I actually walked to school this morning in the sleet so I wouldn't be that late for 8am piano accompaniment, and then I had to sing, and it sounded terrible. Well, I got credit for going and I didn't even have to play!
That class just eats away at my soul, and sometimes convinces me that I don't really want to do music at all and aaaaaaahhhhhhh what the hell I will be a terrible teacher mentality. It's not good, but it doesn't happen often. Of course, I have those awesome moments when I realize that I can do this, and that I want to do this. Pretty sweet.
Internet is failing massively, campus-wide. Yeesh, this is going to be loads o' fun.
How am I to survive ONE NIGHT WITHOUT FACEBOOK?!
I bet I could write a short story about that. It would be really good!
I need to do my form chart.
Also, I need a hair dryer, maybe a decent straightener, also. I haven't straightened my hair in a long time, it probably needs it. I just prefer my hair in its wannabe curly, randomly disorganized state - it's much more of an insight into how I really am.
I can't wait for dress weather. Then everyone will get puppies and I can play with them!!!
I love my mom. I know you really needed to know that, but I just do. Sometimes I forget it, and a lot of times I take it for granted, but she's absolutely wonderful.
Time for being productive...midnight. Blargh.

Labels for this post: weather, to-do, connections

Superfluous

Reading over my entries in this blog makes me want to delete almost all of them. I feel sort of sick because they're so superficial. I'd like to just point out (though I don't know why I feel like making excuses) that I talk about beauty a lot in this blog because I feel that beauty is closely linked to identity, and that who you are affects not only your appearance but the impressions you leave upon others.
Okay, that's that. I'm going to try to not be shallow.

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately. As some of you may know, Lauren's ex-boyfriend broke up with her via text message a week after they celebrated 6 months, then later that evening was out with some other girl. That's pretty messed up, and she was obviously really upset. I think she's a little better than she was, but that doesn't mean it's easy, especially at night. Night is the enemy in this situation: I understand quite well.
The thing about Lauren that really impresses me (among her many talents) is that she has the ability to be open about it with people: she's not afraid to get teary sometimes and tell people when something about the situation bothers her. I can't do that: I am not even remotely that brave.
I can speak well in front of people, behave with poise and grace, and lie convincingly to everyone. But I can't be open, I don't trust people anymore. After two years of intense control, you would think I would be able to breathe more easily. In some ways, yes, that's true. However, I continue to control myself in ways that surprise me. I keep everyone at bay and I don't let anyone in, as we just established. I eat extremely carefully - usually not more than 1100 calories a day, maybe less. I force myself to stay awake so I won't be woken up with awful dreams, which I don't even remember. I can tell that I've forced them to stay safely tucked away, where they can't whisper in my ear about how obvious it is that I destroyed my relationship just by being too comfortable, too secure, too willing to believe it and want it, to even still desire it despite the circumstances.
You see, I am not brave or courageous. I have no earthly idea what I want, except crazy things like Disney Princess Summer Job and Tour Europe Where Am I Going To Get Money Like That??
I really can't bring someone else into this. I don't even know if I want that, and even if it's really selfish to only consider what I want, I feel like it's too dangerous otherwise. Besides, I'd only be using someone as an emotional crutch, which is bad.
I'm trying to be open: I know it's depressing. It's okay if you don't want to read anymore, just don't.
Let's end with something more positive: I'm really excited to hear the guys' new Boy Band Song (I don't know what it's called) this weekend, as well as spend some quality time with the girls and listen to 'Cloudburst' with Carter. Also, I really like "Disturbia" by Rihanna. Go ahead and judge me, I don't care, it's catchy.

Labels for this post: who, are, you?

Adjectives

I like adjectives very much. If I could, I would date them. Well, maybe not. Imagine dating adjectives: they're actually just people who speak in adjectives...at times they would be wonderful, and other times they would be pigs.
Gee, that sounds a lot different.
I'm gradually becoming more and more cynical.
I'd really like that to not be my applied adjective. I don't know why I think about these things: in truth, my adjective would probably be vain. I'm very vain, but I try not to show it. I'd like it to be "dynamic", even if it is slightly melodramatic. Maybe more than slightly.
Well, I can aspire to be that way.
I really don't want to go to SAI tonight. I wish I could have a weekend without obligations so I could just lay in my bed and read, then watch a good movie. Don't get me wrong, I like parties, I just need a break from all the craziness.
I think I might have a boyfriend. I really don't know. I haven't made up my mind about this yet, but I'm sure you'll know when I know, if you're special.
I am full of terrible ideas. But now, SAI.

Labels for this post: reluctant, vain, cynicism

Hot pink Post-It notes

It's almost Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day, because it's so commercial, but it's also very contrived, or so I feel. I love flowers, which is the only tolerable part of Valentine's day.
I doubt I'll get flowers this year, but my parents just got some for me for my birthday, so I'm not stressing it. Also, I'm going out of town that day anyway.
You know, this 'holiday' is pretty much awful. A mass movement of loneliness, to be sure.
I don't really feel lonely. I wouldn't call it loneliness, it's not like I could just accept a date and feel better because I have companionship. I'm not really afraid of being alone, I like myself. I don't want to be alone forever, of course not, but I'm not ready for not alone, if that makes sense.
I think I set up expectations of myself that are too high, like, that Maurice's new profile picture should not upset me as much as it does. However, I did thoroughly enjoy someone's comment about it.
I know you're looking at it right now to see what he said. HA!
Anyway, it's time fo bed. Fo bed.

Labels for this post: fo bed, brief, angiosperms

"You are the most beautious"

I would like to believe that that was true - that I really could reach my full potential of beauty, especially inner beauty. Right now, I feel as thought the best route would be to stop talking badly about people, because I do it far too often, especially in regard to someone. This weekend, I hurt her feelings, and she called me an ugly bitch. You know what? I don't even disagree - it was an ugly, bitchy action.
For the record, I'm not the only person talking smack, in fact, I've been pretty mild, comparatively. But that doesn't change anything. I don't care about her opinions, beliefs, or struggles, and I have no desire to get to know her as a person. I could say the same thing about a lot of different people.
That's enough about that. Stop me if I start saying something, unless I'm merely reporting a situation.

It's a tough line to walk, the desire to surrender to numbness instead of pain or resentment versus the desire to feel and understand. I'm trying very hard to not be a machine, but I think that's a pretty good analogy for my appearance to the outside world. I'm helpful, intelligent, and elegant. I know this sounds cocky, and it probably is, but I tell myself these things if I feel nervous about anything.
I guess I'm softer around the edges than that, but sometimes I don't feel that way. Sometimes I like to think I'm intimidating, but I'm not sure if that's really true. I think it depends on the situation. You can share your opinion, of course, even if you're like, "Jenni, you're a Disney Princess. Not scary." I won't be offended, I promise =P
I don't know how religious you are, but if so, would you please keep my friend Bree in your prayers? She was diagnosed with leukemia a few months ago and she really needs to find a marrow match to get better - she is struggling. She's 18, by the way, and absolutely wonderful. So, if you would keep that in mind, I appreciate it very, very much - thank you.
Time for bed.

Labels for this post: sleek, torn, prayer

HWTFB

Maurice has this playlist on his iTunes called "HWTFB". It stands for "Hell With The Fucking Bitches". It's very angry, as you might expect, but I still think it's funny, and it's also true. I just never expected that he would date a FB again. He told me the other day that he doesn't believe in forever anymore, because it didn't happen to us. I'm not sure if that was more heartbreaking than losing him or not, because even if you do suffer, you absolutely must continue to hope. I took the bus the other day, and the night bus driver (Jimmy Jones) told me that he went to the funeral of a woman he dated for over 20 years. It really shocked me, like, bolted me to the floor. I can't even imagine how painful that must be, not even for a second. The only thing worse than Maurice leaving me would be him dead. I am convinced I couldn't bear it, and I really don't know how Jimmy Jones did.
I'm only mentioning it because earlier today, someone told me that I'm the strongest person they know, to be at this party and be calm and try to have a good time. As of right now, Jimmy Jones is the strongest human being on the planet. I've got nothing on him. Or Jesus.
I met someone this weekend. He's really cool, and a genuinely nice person. I could tell, and he wasn't just being charming to try to get something. He's just funny and full of references of some of my favorite things, like Dexter's Lab and N64. Plus, he's cute, and decently taller than me!
We'll see what happens.
You know, that sounds like a good motto for my life right now. "We'll see". I enjoy unpredictability in most cases.

Labels for this post: lengthy, strength, hell with 'em

GO BED

That's possibly the best email I've ever received. Well, that, and my brother emailed me once to say:
"Hi Jenni,
I have email.
Will"

That's just like him, too. I think I will possibly write him into my children's story. I actually think my ideas are pretty good, my characters are definitely going to be interesting. You know, I had a friend when I was little, and I don't know her full name, so I referred to her as "Sarah from Cattail Ordinary" because she really did live on a farm called Cattail Ordinary, across the street from an emu farm. That just needs to be in the book somewhere. The hardest part, I think, is going to be the title. I have no idea, as of right now.
I started reading "Wuthering Heights". It's going to be incredibly sad, I can tell. And even if I am sad some of the time, I still love it. With books, I find it so easy to escape.
Lately, all I've been wanting to do is get the hell out of here. I don't want to go home, it's not homesickness, I want to just start running and not stop until I reach the Mediterranean. I am fully aware that this is not a smart decision, the least of which is that I know absolutely 1 person in all of Europe, not to mention running across the ocean. Also, I know why I want to do it, don't you dare psychoanalyze my whims!!
Bitches.
Just kidding!!!
I missed the Office again tonight...I need to catch up at some point.
What a crazy evening!
Time for some good old-fashion falling asleep on your homework.
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!

Labels for this post: emu, Will, spontaneous

Ambivalent

I think everyone thinks I'm some kind of robot. The other day, I gave Maurice's things back to him at John's recital, and Charlotte looked at me like I was crazy when I finished explaining. She said, "But they're his things!" And I just sort of looked at her, and told her I didn't have emotions. She didn't laugh, she just said, "No, you don't."
That's not even remotely true, but it must seem like it. I'm not offended. I'm pretty sure that there are only two people who have seen or heard me utterly heartbroken, if I may be so emo.
I'm just so sick of lies and deceit. Not little white lies that you tell, like maybe you're in a bad mood because you got a bad grade on something and you tell everyone you're just tired. But I just wish that if people have an opinion about me, like if they really think that Amanda and Maurice are a better-matched couple, I wish they would just tell me, and not continually lie to me while telling everyone else their true opinions. I also feel like people don't want to confess things to me, because they want me to think highly of them. Something like that. I mean, I like to impress people, I suppose, but I'm a very good listener and I generally give good advice. I like to help out and I try very hard to be positive and encouraging.

I really enjoy being around people, and I'm so thankful that I'm an extrovert, because I really don't know how I would handle everything without people. So thank you, everyone, for just being around. It's priceless.

Labels for this post: morose, lies, impressions

Pomegranate

I have had the most wonderful birthday weekend. I could never have asked for such a great time, and I was so lucky to have it! I think perhaps the best part was my birthday cake. Hilarious!
Also, watching Michael Gray wasted is absolutely the funniest event ever, and we really ought to invite him and Dabney to more parties, because they are awesome!!
My parents drove down to see me this weekend, which was in equal measure wonderful and stressful. Not that I don't absolutely love my parents, but on Sunday, I was really, really tired. I fell asleep in Carter's bed at 5am on Saturday and I was coiffed for church at 9:30 on Sunday morning. So, I was very tired. Also, drinking is incredibly dehydrating. My mouth was full of spit on Sunday (I know, really gross) and it was the yucky bubble-spit you get when you're very thirsty. It was awful, but that was the only part of it that was awful.
I couldn't drink that much this weekend, and I'm not sure that I want to. It's like, when I'm sober, I'm a lot unhappier, but I would never drink to just achieve happiness, it also depends on the atmosphere. A lot of people + music + dim lighting + no obligations the next day = good atmosphere. Max's place is pretty fun for that reason. He really needs to get a cat.
On Sunday, after my parents left, I had a wonderful little party where we watched the Superbowl, had delicious food, and drank beer. My roomies made me a small margarita, just because it was my 21st and I didn't go to an actual bar. The mix tasted great, but I just don't like tequila, it's not my beverage o' choice.
There was only one thing that really freaked me out this weekend. I'm not sure how public I should be about it in the first place. On Saturday someone kissed me, and I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. It totally unnerved me, and it was scary. I didn't initiate it, and maybe that's why. I really have no idea, there isn't a logical reason for it. But emotions are rarely contained within the formulas of logic. Regardless, I won't be kissing anyone when I'm drinking. Besides, there are very few people I actually want to kiss.
It's really too bad that Thomas Scott is so cute, because he has a girlfriend. By the way, he told me that even though he thinks I'm really cute, he doesn't want a girlfriend, which suits me just fine...but maybe he doesn't really believe that. Whatever, at least he was honest with me. Also, he got me the cake! So really, he's a good person, and definitely a fun friend to talk to.
That's what I'm very interested in right now: learning more about other people. I can be very selfish, not to mention vain, and I want to change that.
I'm probably being really boring. I'll work on that.

Labels for this post: boring, Happy Birthday, apathy?