So, it's Lent. I feel as though many people understand the custom of Lent, but they don't understand the motivation. Funny how that's true about more joyful things, like Christmas and Easter and oh yeah, weddings.
I've been trying very hard to think of what to give up for Lent this year. I can't remember what I gave up last year, but I think it was caffeine. The year before, it was meat. I was going to give up chocolate this year, but you know what? I've decided to go a different way this time.
I'm giving up holding grudges. I feel so much heavier when I'm plagued with lingering resentment. We are simply different people, and there's no legitimate way to compare us.
My mom just told me that it's looking like I won't be able to audition for Disney World over spring break. And I really doubt I'll have another chance before summer, when I need to have a job, and then Disney World is not likely, not at all. Ugh. I know that it's stupid to be upset about it, but I really had my heart set on it, and I don't expect to get it on the first try. I think I have a shot, I think I have potential, and I just have a feeling that I'll get fairly far into the trials. If I get cut right away, at least I tried.
I do intend to pursue what I want, or what I think I want. I firmly believe in questioning everything and achieving happiness. I believe it's essential.
I suspect that I'm not a good person. Thank goodness for Lent: I hope it will help me to improve.
Labels for this post: Lent, lifted, pursuit
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Need Game
Heather posted this game on her Facebook notes, and this is my response.
Go to Google, type your name and the word 'needs' in quotation marks, i.e. "Bob needs".
Choose the best 10 responses.
1. In order to attract the woman of her dreams, Jenni needs to learn to be more alluring.
2. jenni needs her meds.........
3. Jenni needs an Convertible (shortage in San Diego).
4. Jenni needs a stiff schlong to quench her nubile teen desires.
5. Jenni needs to turn 63 or more or gain 1572 Slayer points.
6. Jenni needs to dress, groom, bathe, toilet, eat.
7. Horny honeypot Jenni needs a man to fuck her tight.
8. Jenni needs ______. I want to _____ jenni. jenni can ____ my ____. If I could describe jenni in a word: ______. jenni will never ______.
9. Jenni-needs-help-with-computer-problems (this is true)
Go to Google, type your name and the word 'needs' in quotation marks, i.e. "Bob needs".
Choose the best 10 responses.
1. In order to attract the woman of her dreams, Jenni needs to learn to be more alluring.
2. jenni needs her meds.........
3. Jenni needs an Convertible (shortage in San Diego).
4. Jenni needs a stiff schlong to quench her nubile teen desires.
5. Jenni needs to turn 63 or more or gain 1572 Slayer points.
6. Jenni needs to dress, groom, bathe, toilet, eat.
7. Horny honeypot Jenni needs a man to fuck her tight.
8. Jenni needs ______. I want to _____ jenni. jenni can ____ my ____. If I could describe jenni in a word: ______. jenni will never ______.
9. Jenni-needs-help-with-computer-problems (this is true)
10. Jenni needs to shuit her mouth and cook the man some fuckin eggs before she catches a beating from Ozzie.
Please play this game - I promise, it's really fun!!
I had a great weekend, and came to some pretty fantastic realizations.
I hope that everyone discovers some truth, maybe it will take a while, and a lot of pain and frustration, but then it makes sense. While it's still not easy, it's comforting and it bolsters my resolve.
There is nothing, nothing, nothing that I want from you anymore.
I also really like it when other people are on the same wavelength that I am. It's crazy how wonderful it is when that happens, it makes me feel much more comfortable in my own head.
Oh dear. What am I going to give up for Lent?
Hmmm...let me ponder this.
Labels for this post: pondering, game, truth
Please play this game - I promise, it's really fun!!
I had a great weekend, and came to some pretty fantastic realizations.
I hope that everyone discovers some truth, maybe it will take a while, and a lot of pain and frustration, but then it makes sense. While it's still not easy, it's comforting and it bolsters my resolve.
There is nothing, nothing, nothing that I want from you anymore.
I also really like it when other people are on the same wavelength that I am. It's crazy how wonderful it is when that happens, it makes me feel much more comfortable in my own head.
Oh dear. What am I going to give up for Lent?
Hmmm...let me ponder this.
Labels for this post: pondering, game, truth
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Because it IS my party, after all
Also because I <3 Allyson.
40 secrets about you.
be honest no matter what.
1. Who were your last four texts from?
Lauren, Derek, Michael, Nick Bailey
2. Where was your default picture taken?
Facebook - party. This blog, DC
3. What’s your middle name?
Elaine. My name is pretty Arthurian, and if you understand why without using wikipedia, I'll give you a cookie.
4. Your current relationship status?
Seasonal
5. Does your crush like you back?
I'm not playing!!!
6. What is your current mood?
Reluctant, I don't want to do anything.
8. What color shirt are you wearing?
I'm wearing a dress, duh. It's gray and yellow.
9. Are you feeling romantic or frisky?
Hahah, frisky. What a ridiculous euphemism.
10. If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Durrrrrrr
11. Where was the last place out of town, that you went to?
That sounds like two different questions. And it's much funnier that way. I went to Lynchburg with the BC <3
12. Ever had a near death experience?
Once
13. Something you do a lot?
Silliness! It's essential.
14. Do you have a fondness for gnomes?
I like gardens.
15. Who can/do you tell anything to?
"To whom can you tell anything"
Also, nobody. Not anymore.
16. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Nasim!! My Persian twin!!!!
17. When was the last time you cried?
This morning, it was because Carter and I talked about this ridiculous situation involving one of our friends who is getting married and how they're going to set a destination wedding in a third-world country, but they'll just elope, so everyone will show up anyway to the wedding and then there won't be one after all! We chose Somalia. In summary, I cried because I laughed really hard, which is the best.
18. Where are you right now?
Ohohohoho
19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Either flight or teleportation - something that would help me get to places on time (I'm always late)
20. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Usually height, and smiles. I always remember eye color, for some reason.
21. Who is your favorite celebrity train wreck?
I don't admire celebrities unless they're talented, and I really hate Paris Hilton.
22. What is a Saying that you believe?
There's a poem by Shel Silverstein called "Listen to the Musn'ts"
"Listen to the Musn'ts, child
Listen to the Don'ts
Listen to the Shouldn'ts
The Impossibles, the Won'ts
Listen to the Never-Haves
Listen close to me:
Anything can happen, child
Anything can be."
23. Favorite color(s)?
Violet and yellow
24. What is one thing that annoys you on tv?
Reality television, except for Project Runway and Top Chef
25. Do you still like kiddy movies?
I am going to be a Disney Princess, after all.
26. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Water
27. Do you speak any other language?
I took German, and I could probably get by in Germany, but I'm nowhere near fluent
28. What’s your favorite smell?
After it rains
29. Describe your life in one word?
Unpredictable
30. Have any tattoos?
No. Pending, maybe...I'm not sure.
31. What are you looking forward to the most?
The most out of what? Right now? Knowing people better, appreciating everyone more. SPRING.
32. What are you thinking about right now?
How tonight is going to be wonderful!!!! =)
33. What should you be doing?
Reading and critiquing stories. Seriously, some people are just writarded.
(That was intentional)
34. Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Maurice. It bothers me when people say they'll do things and they don't, or vice versa, then have the balls to consider themselves good people, or even to act noble and self-sacrificing. It's sickening in any case.
35. What are you listening to?
NOTHING. My computer is broken :(
36. Do you like working in the yard?
Only if I can play with flowers!
37. What color are your nails?
Invisible...spooky!
38. Do you act differently around the person you like?
Nope! I might wear nicer clothes or put on lip gloss or something, but it's more important to be who you are, and make sure that person likes you for that reason.
39. What is your natural hair color?
Whoooooooo cares
40. Why did you cry the last time you did?
Again, durrrrrrr
Kittens...inspired by...kittens...
Labels for this post: kittens, identity, crazy
40 secrets about you.
be honest no matter what.
1. Who were your last four texts from?
Lauren, Derek, Michael, Nick Bailey
2. Where was your default picture taken?
Facebook - party. This blog, DC
3. What’s your middle name?
Elaine. My name is pretty Arthurian, and if you understand why without using wikipedia, I'll give you a cookie.
4. Your current relationship status?
Seasonal
5. Does your crush like you back?
I'm not playing!!!
6. What is your current mood?
Reluctant, I don't want to do anything.
8. What color shirt are you wearing?
I'm wearing a dress, duh. It's gray and yellow.
9. Are you feeling romantic or frisky?
Hahah, frisky. What a ridiculous euphemism.
10. If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Durrrrrrr
11. Where was the last place out of town, that you went to?
That sounds like two different questions. And it's much funnier that way. I went to Lynchburg with the BC <3
12. Ever had a near death experience?
Once
13. Something you do a lot?
Silliness! It's essential.
14. Do you have a fondness for gnomes?
I like gardens.
15. Who can/do you tell anything to?
"To whom can you tell anything"
Also, nobody. Not anymore.
16. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Nasim!! My Persian twin!!!!
17. When was the last time you cried?
This morning, it was because Carter and I talked about this ridiculous situation involving one of our friends who is getting married and how they're going to set a destination wedding in a third-world country, but they'll just elope, so everyone will show up anyway to the wedding and then there won't be one after all! We chose Somalia. In summary, I cried because I laughed really hard, which is the best.
18. Where are you right now?
Ohohohoho
19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Either flight or teleportation - something that would help me get to places on time (I'm always late)
20. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Usually height, and smiles. I always remember eye color, for some reason.
21. Who is your favorite celebrity train wreck?
I don't admire celebrities unless they're talented, and I really hate Paris Hilton.
22. What is a Saying that you believe?
There's a poem by Shel Silverstein called "Listen to the Musn'ts"
"Listen to the Musn'ts, child
Listen to the Don'ts
Listen to the Shouldn'ts
The Impossibles, the Won'ts
Listen to the Never-Haves
Listen close to me:
Anything can happen, child
Anything can be."
23. Favorite color(s)?
Violet and yellow
24. What is one thing that annoys you on tv?
Reality television, except for Project Runway and Top Chef
25. Do you still like kiddy movies?
I am going to be a Disney Princess, after all.
26. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Water
27. Do you speak any other language?
I took German, and I could probably get by in Germany, but I'm nowhere near fluent
28. What’s your favorite smell?
After it rains
29. Describe your life in one word?
Unpredictable
30. Have any tattoos?
No. Pending, maybe...I'm not sure.
31. What are you looking forward to the most?
The most out of what? Right now? Knowing people better, appreciating everyone more. SPRING.
32. What are you thinking about right now?
How tonight is going to be wonderful!!!! =)
33. What should you be doing?
Reading and critiquing stories. Seriously, some people are just writarded.
(That was intentional)
34. Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Maurice. It bothers me when people say they'll do things and they don't, or vice versa, then have the balls to consider themselves good people, or even to act noble and self-sacrificing. It's sickening in any case.
35. What are you listening to?
NOTHING. My computer is broken :(
36. Do you like working in the yard?
Only if I can play with flowers!
37. What color are your nails?
Invisible...spooky!
38. Do you act differently around the person you like?
Nope! I might wear nicer clothes or put on lip gloss or something, but it's more important to be who you are, and make sure that person likes you for that reason.
39. What is your natural hair color?
Whoooooooo cares
40. Why did you cry the last time you did?
Again, durrrrrrr
Kittens...inspired by...kittens...
Labels for this post: kittens, identity, crazy
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
"It's fucking raining!"
There's this weather website that Nick Bailey introduced to me, http://www.thefuckingweather.com. It's hilarious. Actual forecasts, but there's a large, obnoxious caption that changes depending on the temperature. My favorite so far is "It's fucking nice!"
Anyway.
I managed to finish my story. It was okay, I'm sure I could have done much better if I wasn't doing other things, like school. I haven't been feeling that well this week, and rainy days always make me feel worse. I actually walked to school this morning in the sleet so I wouldn't be that late for 8am piano accompaniment, and then I had to sing, and it sounded terrible. Well, I got credit for going and I didn't even have to play!
That class just eats away at my soul, and sometimes convinces me that I don't really want to do music at all and aaaaaaahhhhhhh what the hell I will be a terrible teacher mentality. It's not good, but it doesn't happen often. Of course, I have those awesome moments when I realize that I can do this, and that I want to do this. Pretty sweet.
Internet is failing massively, campus-wide. Yeesh, this is going to be loads o' fun.
How am I to survive ONE NIGHT WITHOUT FACEBOOK?!
I bet I could write a short story about that. It would be really good!
I need to do my form chart.
Also, I need a hair dryer, maybe a decent straightener, also. I haven't straightened my hair in a long time, it probably needs it. I just prefer my hair in its wannabe curly, randomly disorganized state - it's much more of an insight into how I really am.
I can't wait for dress weather. Then everyone will get puppies and I can play with them!!!
I love my mom. I know you really needed to know that, but I just do. Sometimes I forget it, and a lot of times I take it for granted, but she's absolutely wonderful.
Time for being productive...midnight. Blargh.
Labels for this post: weather, to-do, connections
Anyway.
I managed to finish my story. It was okay, I'm sure I could have done much better if I wasn't doing other things, like school. I haven't been feeling that well this week, and rainy days always make me feel worse. I actually walked to school this morning in the sleet so I wouldn't be that late for 8am piano accompaniment, and then I had to sing, and it sounded terrible. Well, I got credit for going and I didn't even have to play!
That class just eats away at my soul, and sometimes convinces me that I don't really want to do music at all and aaaaaaahhhhhhh what the hell I will be a terrible teacher mentality. It's not good, but it doesn't happen often. Of course, I have those awesome moments when I realize that I can do this, and that I want to do this. Pretty sweet.
Internet is failing massively, campus-wide. Yeesh, this is going to be loads o' fun.
How am I to survive ONE NIGHT WITHOUT FACEBOOK?!
I bet I could write a short story about that. It would be really good!
I need to do my form chart.
Also, I need a hair dryer, maybe a decent straightener, also. I haven't straightened my hair in a long time, it probably needs it. I just prefer my hair in its wannabe curly, randomly disorganized state - it's much more of an insight into how I really am.
I can't wait for dress weather. Then everyone will get puppies and I can play with them!!!
I love my mom. I know you really needed to know that, but I just do. Sometimes I forget it, and a lot of times I take it for granted, but she's absolutely wonderful.
Time for being productive...midnight. Blargh.
Labels for this post: weather, to-do, connections
Monday, February 16, 2009
Superfluous
Reading over my entries in this blog makes me want to delete almost all of them. I feel sort of sick because they're so superficial. I'd like to just point out (though I don't know why I feel like making excuses) that I talk about beauty a lot in this blog because I feel that beauty is closely linked to identity, and that who you are affects not only your appearance but the impressions you leave upon others.
Okay, that's that. I'm going to try to not be shallow.
I've been thinking a lot about courage lately. As some of you may know, Lauren's ex-boyfriend broke up with her via text message a week after they celebrated 6 months, then later that evening was out with some other girl. That's pretty messed up, and she was obviously really upset. I think she's a little better than she was, but that doesn't mean it's easy, especially at night. Night is the enemy in this situation: I understand quite well.
The thing about Lauren that really impresses me (among her many talents) is that she has the ability to be open about it with people: she's not afraid to get teary sometimes and tell people when something about the situation bothers her. I can't do that: I am not even remotely that brave.
I can speak well in front of people, behave with poise and grace, and lie convincingly to everyone. But I can't be open, I don't trust people anymore. After two years of intense control, you would think I would be able to breathe more easily. In some ways, yes, that's true. However, I continue to control myself in ways that surprise me. I keep everyone at bay and I don't let anyone in, as we just established. I eat extremely carefully - usually not more than 1100 calories a day, maybe less. I force myself to stay awake so I won't be woken up with awful dreams, which I don't even remember. I can tell that I've forced them to stay safely tucked away, where they can't whisper in my ear about how obvious it is that I destroyed my relationship just by being too comfortable, too secure, too willing to believe it and want it, to even still desire it despite the circumstances.
You see, I am not brave or courageous. I have no earthly idea what I want, except crazy things like Disney Princess Summer Job and Tour Europe Where Am I Going To Get Money Like That??
I really can't bring someone else into this. I don't even know if I want that, and even if it's really selfish to only consider what I want, I feel like it's too dangerous otherwise. Besides, I'd only be using someone as an emotional crutch, which is bad.
I'm trying to be open: I know it's depressing. It's okay if you don't want to read anymore, just don't.
Let's end with something more positive: I'm really excited to hear the guys' new Boy Band Song (I don't know what it's called) this weekend, as well as spend some quality time with the girls and listen to 'Cloudburst' with Carter. Also, I really like "Disturbia" by Rihanna. Go ahead and judge me, I don't care, it's catchy.
Labels for this post: who, are, you?
Okay, that's that. I'm going to try to not be shallow.
I've been thinking a lot about courage lately. As some of you may know, Lauren's ex-boyfriend broke up with her via text message a week after they celebrated 6 months, then later that evening was out with some other girl. That's pretty messed up, and she was obviously really upset. I think she's a little better than she was, but that doesn't mean it's easy, especially at night. Night is the enemy in this situation: I understand quite well.
The thing about Lauren that really impresses me (among her many talents) is that she has the ability to be open about it with people: she's not afraid to get teary sometimes and tell people when something about the situation bothers her. I can't do that: I am not even remotely that brave.
I can speak well in front of people, behave with poise and grace, and lie convincingly to everyone. But I can't be open, I don't trust people anymore. After two years of intense control, you would think I would be able to breathe more easily. In some ways, yes, that's true. However, I continue to control myself in ways that surprise me. I keep everyone at bay and I don't let anyone in, as we just established. I eat extremely carefully - usually not more than 1100 calories a day, maybe less. I force myself to stay awake so I won't be woken up with awful dreams, which I don't even remember. I can tell that I've forced them to stay safely tucked away, where they can't whisper in my ear about how obvious it is that I destroyed my relationship just by being too comfortable, too secure, too willing to believe it and want it, to even still desire it despite the circumstances.
You see, I am not brave or courageous. I have no earthly idea what I want, except crazy things like Disney Princess Summer Job and Tour Europe Where Am I Going To Get Money Like That??
I really can't bring someone else into this. I don't even know if I want that, and even if it's really selfish to only consider what I want, I feel like it's too dangerous otherwise. Besides, I'd only be using someone as an emotional crutch, which is bad.
I'm trying to be open: I know it's depressing. It's okay if you don't want to read anymore, just don't.
Let's end with something more positive: I'm really excited to hear the guys' new Boy Band Song (I don't know what it's called) this weekend, as well as spend some quality time with the girls and listen to 'Cloudburst' with Carter. Also, I really like "Disturbia" by Rihanna. Go ahead and judge me, I don't care, it's catchy.
Labels for this post: who, are, you?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Adjectives
I like adjectives very much. If I could, I would date them. Well, maybe not. Imagine dating adjectives: they're actually just people who speak in adjectives...at times they would be wonderful, and other times they would be pigs.
Gee, that sounds a lot different.
I'm gradually becoming more and more cynical.
I'd really like that to not be my applied adjective. I don't know why I think about these things: in truth, my adjective would probably be vain. I'm very vain, but I try not to show it. I'd like it to be "dynamic", even if it is slightly melodramatic. Maybe more than slightly.
Well, I can aspire to be that way.
I really don't want to go to SAI tonight. I wish I could have a weekend without obligations so I could just lay in my bed and read, then watch a good movie. Don't get me wrong, I like parties, I just need a break from all the craziness.
I think I might have a boyfriend. I really don't know. I haven't made up my mind about this yet, but I'm sure you'll know when I know, if you're special.
I am full of terrible ideas. But now, SAI.
Labels for this post: reluctant, vain, cynicism
Gee, that sounds a lot different.
I'm gradually becoming more and more cynical.
I'd really like that to not be my applied adjective. I don't know why I think about these things: in truth, my adjective would probably be vain. I'm very vain, but I try not to show it. I'd like it to be "dynamic", even if it is slightly melodramatic. Maybe more than slightly.
Well, I can aspire to be that way.
I really don't want to go to SAI tonight. I wish I could have a weekend without obligations so I could just lay in my bed and read, then watch a good movie. Don't get me wrong, I like parties, I just need a break from all the craziness.
I think I might have a boyfriend. I really don't know. I haven't made up my mind about this yet, but I'm sure you'll know when I know, if you're special.
I am full of terrible ideas. But now, SAI.
Labels for this post: reluctant, vain, cynicism
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Hot pink Post-It notes
It's almost Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day, because it's so commercial, but it's also very contrived, or so I feel. I love flowers, which is the only tolerable part of Valentine's day.
I doubt I'll get flowers this year, but my parents just got some for me for my birthday, so I'm not stressing it. Also, I'm going out of town that day anyway.
You know, this 'holiday' is pretty much awful. A mass movement of loneliness, to be sure.
I don't really feel lonely. I wouldn't call it loneliness, it's not like I could just accept a date and feel better because I have companionship. I'm not really afraid of being alone, I like myself. I don't want to be alone forever, of course not, but I'm not ready for not alone, if that makes sense.
I think I set up expectations of myself that are too high, like, that Maurice's new profile picture should not upset me as much as it does. However, I did thoroughly enjoy someone's comment about it.
I know you're looking at it right now to see what he said. HA!
Anyway, it's time fo bed. Fo bed.
Labels for this post: fo bed, brief, angiosperms
I doubt I'll get flowers this year, but my parents just got some for me for my birthday, so I'm not stressing it. Also, I'm going out of town that day anyway.
You know, this 'holiday' is pretty much awful. A mass movement of loneliness, to be sure.
I don't really feel lonely. I wouldn't call it loneliness, it's not like I could just accept a date and feel better because I have companionship. I'm not really afraid of being alone, I like myself. I don't want to be alone forever, of course not, but I'm not ready for not alone, if that makes sense.
I think I set up expectations of myself that are too high, like, that Maurice's new profile picture should not upset me as much as it does. However, I did thoroughly enjoy someone's comment about it.
I know you're looking at it right now to see what he said. HA!
Anyway, it's time fo bed. Fo bed.
Labels for this post: fo bed, brief, angiosperms
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