I like adjectives very much. If I could, I would date them. Well, maybe not. Imagine dating adjectives: they're actually just people who speak in adjectives...at times they would be wonderful, and other times they would be pigs.
Gee, that sounds a lot different.
I'm gradually becoming more and more cynical.
I'd really like that to not be my applied adjective. I don't know why I think about these things: in truth, my adjective would probably be vain. I'm very vain, but I try not to show it. I'd like it to be "dynamic", even if it is slightly melodramatic. Maybe more than slightly.
Well, I can aspire to be that way.
I really don't want to go to SAI tonight. I wish I could have a weekend without obligations so I could just lay in my bed and read, then watch a good movie. Don't get me wrong, I like parties, I just need a break from all the craziness.
I think I might have a boyfriend. I really don't know. I haven't made up my mind about this yet, but I'm sure you'll know when I know, if you're special.
I am full of terrible ideas. But now, SAI.
Labels for this post: reluctant, vain, cynicism
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Hot pink Post-It notes
It's almost Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day, because it's so commercial, but it's also very contrived, or so I feel. I love flowers, which is the only tolerable part of Valentine's day.
I doubt I'll get flowers this year, but my parents just got some for me for my birthday, so I'm not stressing it. Also, I'm going out of town that day anyway.
You know, this 'holiday' is pretty much awful. A mass movement of loneliness, to be sure.
I don't really feel lonely. I wouldn't call it loneliness, it's not like I could just accept a date and feel better because I have companionship. I'm not really afraid of being alone, I like myself. I don't want to be alone forever, of course not, but I'm not ready for not alone, if that makes sense.
I think I set up expectations of myself that are too high, like, that Maurice's new profile picture should not upset me as much as it does. However, I did thoroughly enjoy someone's comment about it.
I know you're looking at it right now to see what he said. HA!
Anyway, it's time fo bed. Fo bed.
Labels for this post: fo bed, brief, angiosperms
I doubt I'll get flowers this year, but my parents just got some for me for my birthday, so I'm not stressing it. Also, I'm going out of town that day anyway.
You know, this 'holiday' is pretty much awful. A mass movement of loneliness, to be sure.
I don't really feel lonely. I wouldn't call it loneliness, it's not like I could just accept a date and feel better because I have companionship. I'm not really afraid of being alone, I like myself. I don't want to be alone forever, of course not, but I'm not ready for not alone, if that makes sense.
I think I set up expectations of myself that are too high, like, that Maurice's new profile picture should not upset me as much as it does. However, I did thoroughly enjoy someone's comment about it.
I know you're looking at it right now to see what he said. HA!
Anyway, it's time fo bed. Fo bed.
Labels for this post: fo bed, brief, angiosperms
Monday, February 9, 2009
"You are the most beautious"
I would like to believe that that was true - that I really could reach my full potential of beauty, especially inner beauty. Right now, I feel as thought the best route would be to stop talking badly about people, because I do it far too often, especially in regard to someone. This weekend, I hurt her feelings, and she called me an ugly bitch. You know what? I don't even disagree - it was an ugly, bitchy action.
For the record, I'm not the only person talking smack, in fact, I've been pretty mild, comparatively. But that doesn't change anything. I don't care about her opinions, beliefs, or struggles, and I have no desire to get to know her as a person. I could say the same thing about a lot of different people.
That's enough about that. Stop me if I start saying something, unless I'm merely reporting a situation.
It's a tough line to walk, the desire to surrender to numbness instead of pain or resentment versus the desire to feel and understand. I'm trying very hard to not be a machine, but I think that's a pretty good analogy for my appearance to the outside world. I'm helpful, intelligent, and elegant. I know this sounds cocky, and it probably is, but I tell myself these things if I feel nervous about anything.
I guess I'm softer around the edges than that, but sometimes I don't feel that way. Sometimes I like to think I'm intimidating, but I'm not sure if that's really true. I think it depends on the situation. You can share your opinion, of course, even if you're like, "Jenni, you're a Disney Princess. Not scary." I won't be offended, I promise =P
I don't know how religious you are, but if so, would you please keep my friend Bree in your prayers? She was diagnosed with leukemia a few months ago and she really needs to find a marrow match to get better - she is struggling. She's 18, by the way, and absolutely wonderful. So, if you would keep that in mind, I appreciate it very, very much - thank you.
Time for bed.
Labels for this post: sleek, torn, prayer
For the record, I'm not the only person talking smack, in fact, I've been pretty mild, comparatively. But that doesn't change anything. I don't care about her opinions, beliefs, or struggles, and I have no desire to get to know her as a person. I could say the same thing about a lot of different people.
That's enough about that. Stop me if I start saying something, unless I'm merely reporting a situation.
It's a tough line to walk, the desire to surrender to numbness instead of pain or resentment versus the desire to feel and understand. I'm trying very hard to not be a machine, but I think that's a pretty good analogy for my appearance to the outside world. I'm helpful, intelligent, and elegant. I know this sounds cocky, and it probably is, but I tell myself these things if I feel nervous about anything.
I guess I'm softer around the edges than that, but sometimes I don't feel that way. Sometimes I like to think I'm intimidating, but I'm not sure if that's really true. I think it depends on the situation. You can share your opinion, of course, even if you're like, "Jenni, you're a Disney Princess. Not scary." I won't be offended, I promise =P
I don't know how religious you are, but if so, would you please keep my friend Bree in your prayers? She was diagnosed with leukemia a few months ago and she really needs to find a marrow match to get better - she is struggling. She's 18, by the way, and absolutely wonderful. So, if you would keep that in mind, I appreciate it very, very much - thank you.
Time for bed.
Labels for this post: sleek, torn, prayer
Saturday, February 7, 2009
HWTFB
Maurice has this playlist on his iTunes called "HWTFB". It stands for "Hell With The Fucking Bitches". It's very angry, as you might expect, but I still think it's funny, and it's also true. I just never expected that he would date a FB again. He told me the other day that he doesn't believe in forever anymore, because it didn't happen to us. I'm not sure if that was more heartbreaking than losing him or not, because even if you do suffer, you absolutely must continue to hope. I took the bus the other day, and the night bus driver (Jimmy Jones) told me that he went to the funeral of a woman he dated for over 20 years. It really shocked me, like, bolted me to the floor. I can't even imagine how painful that must be, not even for a second. The only thing worse than Maurice leaving me would be him dead. I am convinced I couldn't bear it, and I really don't know how Jimmy Jones did.
I'm only mentioning it because earlier today, someone told me that I'm the strongest person they know, to be at this party and be calm and try to have a good time. As of right now, Jimmy Jones is the strongest human being on the planet. I've got nothing on him. Or Jesus.
I met someone this weekend. He's really cool, and a genuinely nice person. I could tell, and he wasn't just being charming to try to get something. He's just funny and full of references of some of my favorite things, like Dexter's Lab and N64. Plus, he's cute, and decently taller than me!
We'll see what happens.
You know, that sounds like a good motto for my life right now. "We'll see". I enjoy unpredictability in most cases.
Labels for this post: lengthy, strength, hell with 'em
I'm only mentioning it because earlier today, someone told me that I'm the strongest person they know, to be at this party and be calm and try to have a good time. As of right now, Jimmy Jones is the strongest human being on the planet. I've got nothing on him. Or Jesus.
I met someone this weekend. He's really cool, and a genuinely nice person. I could tell, and he wasn't just being charming to try to get something. He's just funny and full of references of some of my favorite things, like Dexter's Lab and N64. Plus, he's cute, and decently taller than me!
We'll see what happens.
You know, that sounds like a good motto for my life right now. "We'll see". I enjoy unpredictability in most cases.
Labels for this post: lengthy, strength, hell with 'em
Thursday, February 5, 2009
GO BED
That's possibly the best email I've ever received. Well, that, and my brother emailed me once to say:
"Hi Jenni,
I have email.
Will"
That's just like him, too. I think I will possibly write him into my children's story. I actually think my ideas are pretty good, my characters are definitely going to be interesting. You know, I had a friend when I was little, and I don't know her full name, so I referred to her as "Sarah from Cattail Ordinary" because she really did live on a farm called Cattail Ordinary, across the street from an emu farm. That just needs to be in the book somewhere. The hardest part, I think, is going to be the title. I have no idea, as of right now.
I started reading "Wuthering Heights". It's going to be incredibly sad, I can tell. And even if I am sad some of the time, I still love it. With books, I find it so easy to escape.
Lately, all I've been wanting to do is get the hell out of here. I don't want to go home, it's not homesickness, I want to just start running and not stop until I reach the Mediterranean. I am fully aware that this is not a smart decision, the least of which is that I know absolutely 1 person in all of Europe, not to mention running across the ocean. Also, I know why I want to do it, don't you dare psychoanalyze my whims!!
Bitches.
Just kidding!!!
I missed the Office again tonight...I need to catch up at some point.
What a crazy evening!
Time for some good old-fashion falling asleep on your homework.
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!
Labels for this post: emu, Will, spontaneous
"Hi Jenni,
I have email.
Will"
That's just like him, too. I think I will possibly write him into my children's story. I actually think my ideas are pretty good, my characters are definitely going to be interesting. You know, I had a friend when I was little, and I don't know her full name, so I referred to her as "Sarah from Cattail Ordinary" because she really did live on a farm called Cattail Ordinary, across the street from an emu farm. That just needs to be in the book somewhere. The hardest part, I think, is going to be the title. I have no idea, as of right now.
I started reading "Wuthering Heights". It's going to be incredibly sad, I can tell. And even if I am sad some of the time, I still love it. With books, I find it so easy to escape.
Lately, all I've been wanting to do is get the hell out of here. I don't want to go home, it's not homesickness, I want to just start running and not stop until I reach the Mediterranean. I am fully aware that this is not a smart decision, the least of which is that I know absolutely 1 person in all of Europe, not to mention running across the ocean. Also, I know why I want to do it, don't you dare psychoanalyze my whims!!
Bitches.
Just kidding!!!
I missed the Office again tonight...I need to catch up at some point.
What a crazy evening!
Time for some good old-fashion falling asleep on your homework.
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!
Labels for this post: emu, Will, spontaneous
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Ambivalent
I think everyone thinks I'm some kind of robot. The other day, I gave Maurice's things back to him at John's recital, and Charlotte looked at me like I was crazy when I finished explaining. She said, "But they're his things!" And I just sort of looked at her, and told her I didn't have emotions. She didn't laugh, she just said, "No, you don't."
That's not even remotely true, but it must seem like it. I'm not offended. I'm pretty sure that there are only two people who have seen or heard me utterly heartbroken, if I may be so emo.
I'm just so sick of lies and deceit. Not little white lies that you tell, like maybe you're in a bad mood because you got a bad grade on something and you tell everyone you're just tired. But I just wish that if people have an opinion about me, like if they really think that Amanda and Maurice are a better-matched couple, I wish they would just tell me, and not continually lie to me while telling everyone else their true opinions. I also feel like people don't want to confess things to me, because they want me to think highly of them. Something like that. I mean, I like to impress people, I suppose, but I'm a very good listener and I generally give good advice. I like to help out and I try very hard to be positive and encouraging.
That's not even remotely true, but it must seem like it. I'm not offended. I'm pretty sure that there are only two people who have seen or heard me utterly heartbroken, if I may be so emo.
I'm just so sick of lies and deceit. Not little white lies that you tell, like maybe you're in a bad mood because you got a bad grade on something and you tell everyone you're just tired. But I just wish that if people have an opinion about me, like if they really think that Amanda and Maurice are a better-matched couple, I wish they would just tell me, and not continually lie to me while telling everyone else their true opinions. I also feel like people don't want to confess things to me, because they want me to think highly of them. Something like that. I mean, I like to impress people, I suppose, but I'm a very good listener and I generally give good advice. I like to help out and I try very hard to be positive and encouraging.
I really enjoy being around people, and I'm so thankful that I'm an extrovert, because I really don't know how I would handle everything without people. So thank you, everyone, for just being around. It's priceless.
Labels for this post: morose, lies, impressions
Labels for this post: morose, lies, impressions
Monday, February 2, 2009
Pomegranate
I have had the most wonderful birthday weekend. I could never have asked for such a great time, and I was so lucky to have it! I think perhaps the best part was my birthday cake. Hilarious!
Also, watching Michael Gray wasted is absolutely the funniest event ever, and we really ought to invite him and Dabney to more parties, because they are awesome!!
My parents drove down to see me this weekend, which was in equal measure wonderful and stressful. Not that I don't absolutely love my parents, but on Sunday, I was really, really tired. I fell asleep in Carter's bed at 5am on Saturday and I was coiffed for church at 9:30 on Sunday morning. So, I was very tired. Also, drinking is incredibly dehydrating. My mouth was full of spit on Sunday (I know, really gross) and it was the yucky bubble-spit you get when you're very thirsty. It was awful, but that was the only part of it that was awful.
I couldn't drink that much this weekend, and I'm not sure that I want to. It's like, when I'm sober, I'm a lot unhappier, but I would never drink to just achieve happiness, it also depends on the atmosphere. A lot of people + music + dim lighting + no obligations the next day = good atmosphere. Max's place is pretty fun for that reason. He really needs to get a cat.
On Sunday, after my parents left, I had a wonderful little party where we watched the Superbowl, had delicious food, and drank beer. My roomies made me a small margarita, just because it was my 21st and I didn't go to an actual bar. The mix tasted great, but I just don't like tequila, it's not my beverage o' choice.
There was only one thing that really freaked me out this weekend. I'm not sure how public I should be about it in the first place. On Saturday someone kissed me, and I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. It totally unnerved me, and it was scary. I didn't initiate it, and maybe that's why. I really have no idea, there isn't a logical reason for it. But emotions are rarely contained within the formulas of logic. Regardless, I won't be kissing anyone when I'm drinking. Besides, there are very few people I actually want to kiss.
It's really too bad that Thomas Scott is so cute, because he has a girlfriend. By the way, he told me that even though he thinks I'm really cute, he doesn't want a girlfriend, which suits me just fine...but maybe he doesn't really believe that. Whatever, at least he was honest with me. Also, he got me the cake! So really, he's a good person, and definitely a fun friend to talk to.
That's what I'm very interested in right now: learning more about other people. I can be very selfish, not to mention vain, and I want to change that.
I'm probably being really boring. I'll work on that.
Labels for this post: boring, Happy Birthday, apathy?
Also, watching Michael Gray wasted is absolutely the funniest event ever, and we really ought to invite him and Dabney to more parties, because they are awesome!!
My parents drove down to see me this weekend, which was in equal measure wonderful and stressful. Not that I don't absolutely love my parents, but on Sunday, I was really, really tired. I fell asleep in Carter's bed at 5am on Saturday and I was coiffed for church at 9:30 on Sunday morning. So, I was very tired. Also, drinking is incredibly dehydrating. My mouth was full of spit on Sunday (I know, really gross) and it was the yucky bubble-spit you get when you're very thirsty. It was awful, but that was the only part of it that was awful.
I couldn't drink that much this weekend, and I'm not sure that I want to. It's like, when I'm sober, I'm a lot unhappier, but I would never drink to just achieve happiness, it also depends on the atmosphere. A lot of people + music + dim lighting + no obligations the next day = good atmosphere. Max's place is pretty fun for that reason. He really needs to get a cat.
On Sunday, after my parents left, I had a wonderful little party where we watched the Superbowl, had delicious food, and drank beer. My roomies made me a small margarita, just because it was my 21st and I didn't go to an actual bar. The mix tasted great, but I just don't like tequila, it's not my beverage o' choice.
There was only one thing that really freaked me out this weekend. I'm not sure how public I should be about it in the first place. On Saturday someone kissed me, and I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. It totally unnerved me, and it was scary. I didn't initiate it, and maybe that's why. I really have no idea, there isn't a logical reason for it. But emotions are rarely contained within the formulas of logic. Regardless, I won't be kissing anyone when I'm drinking. Besides, there are very few people I actually want to kiss.
It's really too bad that Thomas Scott is so cute, because he has a girlfriend. By the way, he told me that even though he thinks I'm really cute, he doesn't want a girlfriend, which suits me just fine...but maybe he doesn't really believe that. Whatever, at least he was honest with me. Also, he got me the cake! So really, he's a good person, and definitely a fun friend to talk to.
That's what I'm very interested in right now: learning more about other people. I can be very selfish, not to mention vain, and I want to change that.
I'm probably being really boring. I'll work on that.
Labels for this post: boring, Happy Birthday, apathy?
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